The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Why You Should Fear My Kids – A Play in One Act


Sarah (AKA: Ms. Tolar) – My sister, the director of the summer school program my kids are attending.

Chris – Director of the arts program portion of the summer school, father of 4 sons around the same ages as my three.

Jonas – My 5 year old son, bug lover.

Kid – A high school student who is volunteering at the summer school.

Becky – A youngish female teacher.

Me – Me.


Act 1

At Barros Pizza last Friday night, where we’ve eaten dinner for the majority of Friday nights for the last 30 years.

Sarah – So I have to tell you this story about Jonas.

Me (taking a huge gulp of chardonnay) – Oh god…

Sarah – Yeah.

Pizza restaurant dissolves into the administration office of a high school. Chris is seated at a desk and Kid is in a chair nearby. Sarah walks in.

Kid – Ms. Tolar…

Sarah – Yes?

Kid – Your nephew brought like a weird caterpillar with horns and spikes and stuff to class and it’s freaking Becky out.

Cut back to the pizza restaurant.

Me – WHAT?! He must have caught that at school. He didn’t bring it from home!

Sarah – No, he totally brought it from home. He had it in that weird bug container thing he has that straps to his wrist and looks like a watch.

Me – Seriously? I didn’t even see that he had that today! He knows the rule is: No bugs in my car.

Sarah – Yeah…

Back to the office…

Sarah (to the kid) – OK, do you need me to tell him he’s not allowed to bring bugs to school any more?

Chris (interrupting) – NO! Do not tell him he’s not allowed to have bugs. He’s allowed to have bugs! This is a summer arts program; it’s supposed to be fun! And he’s a boy. He’s allowed to have bugs.

Kid – But it’s freaking Becky out-

Chris – That’s because she’s a girl and she’s a wuss and she needs to get over it. I’m in charge and bugs are fine.

Sarah – OK, then.

Back to the pizza place…

Me – What a little shit. I did not realize I have to search him bodily for creatures before we go to school.

Sarah – He showed it to me after class when we were waiting for you to pick them up. It actually was kind of a freaky bug. It was huge and had these weird spines and horns on it…

Me – Awesome. And it was in my car this morning.

Sarah – And he took it home with him. We were walking out to you as he was showing it to me and he put it in his lunch box and zipped it up and said, “Don’t tell Mom, OK?”

Me – AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME UNTIL NOW???? You are a terrible administrator!

Sarah – I don’t want him to be mad at me. Don’t tell him I told you, OK?

Me – It’s wise to fear him.

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