Why My Husband Has a Vested Interest in My Blood Sugar Level
Saturday night on the way to dinner-
Jason: … so this band on the radio right now, they’re from somewhere in Canada, I can’t remember where…
Me: Quebec? Montreal?
Jason: I don’t know. Let’s say Montreal.
Me: Is that important to the story?
Jason: Not really. So I heard them interviewed and they said basically the only reason they’re a band is because there’s this other band from the same place they are and they didn’t want the world to think only terrible bands can come from Montreal-
Me: Or Quebec, or maybe Toronto…
Jason: Well wherever they’re from. The point is, they became a band so they could redeem their birth place from this other super awful band-
Me: I feel like the specifics of where they’re from probably is important to this story.
Jason: It isn’t that important. So the awful band they share a hometown with is Nickelback.
Me: Oh wait, so that’s the point of the story? Because Nickelback is like universally hated by all music snobs and hipsters? Oh my god I stopped listening like two minutes ago because it took you so long to get to the point. You told that story in completely the wrong order. It’s not like a knock-knock joke. You don’t need to hold the punch line off until the very end. You always do that. If you had said right at the beginning that the band on the radio is from the same place Nickelback is we wouldn’t have even had to get into the discussion about where this mythical hometown is and I wouldn’t have lost interest 30% of the way through. I might have actually made it to the end and it would have been an interesting and amusing anecdote if you’d just put it together more succinctly.
Jason: … OK. Noted. I will work on my storytelling.
Me: I’m just telling you this for your own good. I’m trying to help you. If you tell this story again I want the experience to be more successful for you.
Jason: I probably will not tell this story ever again.
Me: Well then I’m telling you this to help with your anecdote sharing to me in the future. You also told the longest and least interesting story that went on and on this morning about some church you walked by that you didn’t know was there before. That was literally the whole story but you went on about it so long I started to wonder if you were trying to tell me in a roundabout way that you’re converting to Mormonism and you’ve picked out a second and third wife for us. I’m saying this is a problem.
Jason: I just hadn’t ever seen it before. It was so-
Me: HUGE. I know. And it was right there next to MCC and you hadn’t ever seen it before. I got it.
Jason: You’re really feisty tonight.
Me: You don’t have to sugarcoat it. You can say ‘bitchy’.
Jason: You’re really bitchy tonight.
Me: I need to eat something like right now.
"Can you smile and be nice now?" "I can pretend until the hummus gets here."