The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

What to Expect When You’re Inspecting

A Select Few Super Low-Key Home Inspections

Attended by:

No One

The inspector spends 3-4 hours solitarily inspecting the property, taking photos and recording his findings. When he’s done he stops and buys himself a beer for a relaxing job well done.


The Grand Majority of Normal Home Inspections

Attended by:

The Buyer
The Buyer’s Agent

The inspector spends 3-4 hours inspecting the home and then gives a tour of the house and what he’s found to the fairly tense buyer and almost completely useless buyer’s agent. By the end of the process the inspector’s exhausted from allaying (or sometimes confirming) the buyer’s fears, the agent’s exhausted from trying to look helpful in any way and the buyer is on information overload, but slightly relieved. 


Some Moderately Awkward Home Inspections

Attended by:

The Buyer
The Buyer’s Agent
The Seller

The inspector spends 3-4 hours inspecting the house and tripping over the (generally well-meaning) seller, who wants everyone to understand how very well made and cared for his house is. When the buyer and the agent show up, the inspector awkwardly explains all of the things wrong with the house to the buyer while the seller interjects defensively. The buyer’s agent desperately ensures she is standing directly between the buyer and seller at all times just in case either tries to make any assertions or promises that are not contractually represented. After the inspection is over, both the inspector and the agent have to stop at the bar to drink margaritas and wash the bad taste of that experience out of their mouths.


The Most Awkward and Confusing Home Inspection of All Time

Attended by:

The Buyer (named John)
The Buyer’s Agent
The Parents of the Buyer (father also named John)
The Inlaws of the Buyer (also the parents of the Buyer’s Agent)
The Seller (also named… you guessed it: John)

This one goes like this –

Buyer’s Agent: Oh… hi, Seller! I guess you’ve met the parents of the buyer here, since you’re all standing together in the house by yourselves.

Seller: Uh, yes. And you are?

Buyer’s Agent: I’m the agent of the buyer. And these people walking in behind me are the parents of the buyer’s wife (Unsaid: They are also my parents, but I’m afraid I’ll lose the small amount of authority I have over this situation if I introduce them as my mommy and daddy.).

Seller: I see. I didn’t realize you guys would still be here. I just came over to do some vacuuming.

Inspector: So the house has termites.

Seller: Yeah, I kind of thought that was a possibility…

Buyer’s Agent: Hey, John-

Buyer, Buyer’s Father and Seller: Yeah?

Buyer’s Father-in-law/Father of the Buyer’s Agent: I feel like I’m in that movie ‘Being John Malkovich’.

Buyer’s Agent: I was actually talking to the buyer.

Buyer: The house seems really well taken care of and you seem like a really nice man. I’m sure we don’t need to have you repair almost anything…

Seller: Well that’s really nice of you, too. We just love having a sweet young family buying our house who will care for it as much as we did.

Buyer’s Agent: NO! Stop it now! Stop bonding and getting emotionally involved! This is a business transaction and this house has termites! Termites! We’re going to be unreasonable and ask for lots of things to be repaired. And you’re going to be unreasonable back and refuse half of them. Because that’s the way it works! No more talking! This inspection is over and everyone needs to leave.

Everyone: *Looks awkward.*

Buyer’s Agent: Oh. Except for you, Seller. You can stay as long as you want. Because it’s your house.

And everyone drinks.




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