The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

To-Do List For When They’re Finally Gone

Things I fully intend to accomplish when my kids finally go back to school after summer break (8.5 MORE DAYS):

  1. Get a pedicure. The long kind where he massages your calves with the sugar scrub, and it causes you to think, for a moment, that you’ve fallen in love with an elderly asian man wearing bedazzled jeans.
  2. Nap, during the day, like I’m Mariah Carey or something.
  3. Take private lessons with my aerial coach. Finish choreographing my piece. Field calls from agents wanting to represent me.
  4. Try on swimsuits at Target without being called over the loudspeaker to come pick up my unruly offspring from the video game section.
  5. Learn to crochet and make myself a mermaid tail blanket for my Mariah Carey naps.
  6. Complete an entire thought without once having someone interrupt to ask if he’s allowed to make a bow and arrow out of a stick he found in the greenbelt, my embroidery thread, and a fork.
  7. Effortlessly lose 10 pounds because no one is constantly eating french fries or muffins within reach.
  8. Clean and organize my entire house. Unpack boxes still sealed from when we moved here 6.5 years ago. Develop personal decorating style. Maintain a home I’m not embarrassed to let the pest control guy see.
  9. Rewatch Game of Thrones. Keep track of the number of times someone should have murdered Joffrey but didn’t. Attempt to pinpoint the moment Jon Snow stopped being attractive and became insufferable. Mourn the fact that Daenerys got famous enough she was able to renegotiate her contract so she doesn’t have to do topless scenes anymore.
  10. Start a zine* called Blue and Rose’, dedicated to my cat and favorite sort of wine. Publish poems, short stories, and drawings featuring wine and cats both together and separately.
  11. Teach my back to be flexible enough so my toes can touch my head.

Things I will actually do when the kids are back in school:

  1. Read all the Huffington Post, Jezebel, and Snopes articles that were ever written.


*Are zines still a thing? If not, reestablish zines as a thing.


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