The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

The Toast

My sister got married this weekend! It was fabulous and amazing and I’m still recuperating. I can’t imagine how tired the bride and groom are today.

I did the Matron of Honor toast at the wedding. Last week I wrote it out kind of like I do a post, but I’m not really a memorizer of speeches type person, so I ended up doing a version of it that was no where near exactly what I wrote. I did, however, read it to one of the other bridesmaids, Jen, before the wedding to get her take on some of the racier jokes. Here is the toast I wrote, with Jen’s notes and a few other details in italic:

Hi, I’m Mini (my family calls me Mini because I’m 5’4″ and my sister’s 6′ and my brother’s 6’5″), the Sister of the Bride. You can call me SOB as long as you mean it in a nice way. If you know me, you’re probably aware that I tend to of the strongly opinionated variety. If you’re one of John’s friends or family I haven’t met yet, ‘Hi. I’m Sarah’s sister and I’m bossy.’

One of my very strong opinions is that John is absolutely perfect for my sister. And I’m not just saying that because you’re all here and it would be awkward if I got up here and said, ‘John is terrible for my sister and probably a child molester.’ I really, truly believe they are utterly ‘meant to be together’. (Jen said I needed to leave out the child molester joke. Apparently all references to pedophiles during a wedding are inappropriate. Who knew that was a thing?)

They actually seem so right for each other they’ve changed my perception of age gaps in relationships. I have to admit, before Sarah and John met and got together, I thought May/December romances were creepy. I actually usually assumed there was some sort of financial interest for one of the parties. (Jen said this joke might be offensive to those people in the room who are in financially motivated May/December relationships so I should probably omit it.) But Sarah and John are so happy and right for each other that I now realize this is ridiculous. Sure, John occasionally makes references to TV shows that were only broadcast in black and white and one time he told us about how he worked at Montgomery Ward’s when he was a teenager (which I pretty sure when out of business when I was 5), but that definitely doesn’t mean he and Sarah don’t have anything in common. (I also got cornered and lectured by my Papa and his wife of 23 years, Ann, who are 14 years apart after the toast over this section. I explained to them that their relationship didn’t help me to understand and appreciate age gaps because anyone more than 35 years older than me is just ‘old’ and it no longer makes any difference how much older than each other they are, at least to me. Love you, Papa and Ann!)

So just in case you haven’t been privy to their lives and interactions quite as closely as I have, I came up with a list of 10 reasons John is perfect for Sarah that I would like to read for you:

1. He’s 11 feet tall and very handsome. (My mother put together a slideshow of childhood pictures of my sister and her groom that she showed during dinner. I think it’s safe to say when my brother said, “John, were you an Abercrombie model when you were 17?” during the slideshow, we were all thinking the same thing.)

2. One time when they were first dating John let Sarah drag him up Camelback at her usual breakneck speed and of course he fell and injured himself. But he cheerfully kept up the mountain and totally didn’t dump her after. Like I would have.

3. He cooks amazing vegetarian meals for her even though he’s one of the biggest meat lovers I’ve seen since my own husband.

4. He’s obnoxious and sarcastic. He regularly tortures me with the threat of withholding my nephew from me if I don’t give him (him, John) a hug. Not because John wants to hug me, mind you, but only because he knows I’m not a hugger and it makes me uncomfortable. He fits in perfectly with the rest of my obnoxious family.

5. He watches the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with her.

6. One time when they weren’t living together yet Sarah went to happy hour after work with some of her teacher friends and ‘overindulged’ a wee bit. John drove from the school he was teaching at in East Mesa to Ahawatukee to pick her drunk ass up from the bar, then up to her place in Phoenix to pick up clothes for the next day and finally back to his place in Tempe to spend the night. So basically he spent 2 hours in the car and $30 in gas for his ridiculous girlfriend, on a school night. (Jen thought I shouldn’t tell this story either, but I actually got it approved by the bride beforehand, so there.)

7. And then, the next morning (this is number seven), when she realized she’d forgotten to pack a skirt to wear to school that day and asked him to drive her home again to get one (her car, was of course, still at the bar near her school), he put his foot down and told her he’d take her to the nearby Walmart so she could buy one to wear. (There’s a line between being a considerate and caring boyfriend and being a doormat. John clearly knows right where that line is.)

8. He already had a giant fat cat that made her giant fat cat look slim and dainty. (I thought this was a funny and original line until my sister referenced his giant, dopey cat in her vows as did my father in his toast. Hubie was practically at the wedding by how much he was discussed. So much for being original in my family.)

9. Sarah loves antiques, so most of the décor in his house already totally fit in with her style.

10. Colby. Have you met the kid? Clearly something that sweet and adorable and smiley and perfect could only come from a match that was utterly fated to be from the start.

So here’s to John and Sarah, who are clearly perfect for each other and totally meant to be.


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