The Most Important Rule of Marriage
Jason (on his cell): Hey.
Me (from the kitchen on the home phone): OK, so is there a trick for making the disposal work when it stops working?
Jason: Well there’s a reset button on the bottom. Did you try that?
Me: No. I’ll try it right now.
Jason: It just stopped working?
Me: Yeah, and it’s kind of a huge problem. I didn’t have much time to get ready for your parents coming today because I had to finish my license renewal that I typically left to the very last second and the house is a total shithole, also as per usual. I decided the best use of my time was to get food to make dinner, but then I got home and both fridges are completely full of like rotting food and moldy leftovers. So I got out a big trashcan and gloves and I cleaned out all the disgusting liquefying vegetables in the outside fridge, like that butternut squash that was turning black and the zucchinis that had dried up and shriveled into zucchini rasins.
Jason: I was totally going to do that last week.
Me: Yeah, but you didn’t, so I did. Even though it’s repulsive and my least favorite thing ever. And then I pulled the like FIFTEEN containers of leftovers out of the inside fridge and stacked them on the counter to empty out and get them in the dishwasher before you get here with your parents. I think one of them is actually mashed potatoes from Thanksgiving.
Jason: Gross.
Me: I mean seriously. What is wrong with us? And then I started emptying the first one into the sink and the disposal worked for a second and then stopped. So now there are 14 containers of rotten, moldy food SITTING ON OUR COUNTER and the disposal doesn’t work. AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! Put them back in the fridge??? Put them in a plastic bag, set them in the backyard, cover them with an old blanket???
Voices in the background of the call on Jason’s end: Hi, Elizabeth!!
Me: … am I on speakerphone and you actually have your parents in the car with you right now?
Jason: Yeah… I thought you knew.
Me: YOU THOUGHT I KNEW??? Why would I have said all of that stuff if I knew your parents were sitting in the car WITH you? WHO DOES THAT?! If you’re in the car with other people and you answer on speakerphone, the first thing you do is tell the other person, I’m in the car on speakerphone with my parents. It’s like the most important rule that ever existed! I could have said so many offensive or inappropriate things! Not just the parts about how we live like pigs!
Jason’s mom: Well you already said most of that on Facebook so it’s not like we didn’t know…
Me: Yeah, but I was going to pretend I was exaggerating for comedic effect!!
Jason: I’m sor-
Me: *Click*