The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

The Google Is Sort of Working (ish)

If you don’t keep up on the websitey/search engine-ish news headlines, you might not have heard The Google has been retooling its¬†algorithm for helping people find stuff to specifically make the finds less spamy, over the last year or so*.

This makes me happy because for years there were these ‘SEO’ guys (it stands for ‘Super Extremely Obtuse’) who kept trying to tell me I was ‘doing it wrong’ because I wasn’t packing my blog posts with keywords to make it show up in The Google searches. There’s no doubt I’m ‘doing it wrong’ for about 11 million reasons, but I’ve never believed my lack of keyword usage is among those, thank you very much. Now when you go to ‘SEO’ (ok, it really stands for ‘search engine optimization’) seminars, all the main speaker has to say is, ‘So… you should not be spammy… because that’ll screw you.’

The thing is, I’m actually seeing some evidence of improvement in the stats of how people are getting to my blog. I used to get only hits on searches for things like, ‘toads people eat when they’re trying not to get pregnant’ or ‘forced to wear a dress’. I always felt bad for the people searching these things because I knew they were not going to find what they were looking for. How frustrating is it to be just trying to find out if you’re correctly abiding by your culture’s home remedy to keep from getting knocked up only to find some rando real estate/mommy blog (I’m NOT a MOMMY BLOG, god.)?

But lately, I’ve been feeling like the people googling and coming round here might actually have a chance of getting what they’re looking for. Take today for instance. These are the last 18 Google searches that have led to my blog:

1. best real estate listing descriptions

I mean, of course mine are the best.

2. built in ground trampoline

These are awesome and I talk about them lots. Of course I don’t actually sell them. But if you want to know if they’re awesome, you’ve come to the right place.

3. j.crew matchstick jeans stretching

I didn’t test any JCrew jeans, but dude, this is the website to come to for the scientific method of testing jeans for stretchiness. Like I own the patent. (ish.)

4. ameridream gift program

Yeah, that’s not a thing anymore. For like a bunch of years. But I did explain it once.

5. calorie counter watch

I got one! For my birthday last year! Although I also don’t sell these. But again, if you’re looking for whether cool people have them…

6. buying a home, metaphor

THIS IS LIKE FOR REALS WHAT I DO. You know, write ridiculous metaphors about buying and selling homes! Wait, are you here to poach my blog posts? Dude, I will find you and cut you. Don’t even think about it.

7. tennis skirt models

Aw, that’s so sweet! I mean, I wouldn’t call myself a ‘model’… although one time this guy was taking pictures of a crime scene and I was walking past and he totally had me sign a ‘model release’. I feel like it was a compliment.

8. pooping theory

I think the theory behind pooping is that everyone does it. But maybe there is a deeper meaning. You should maybe email me when you figure it out. I don’t know if I have that for you here.

9. magic mike gay parody

While I do not have one of these, I would really like to see it. But I’m not completely convinced that’s not what the movie actually is in the first place.

10. color my boobs coloring book

YES!!! You’ve so come to the right place.

11. liquid leggings wife

I have never written about these but I totally know what you’re talking about!! Oh… wait, the ones I was thinking of are called ‘melting tights‘. Same diff, right?

12. tennis ball skirt

Like a skirt make of tennis balls? Not so much. But that sounds cool. Remember that dress made of credit cards?

13. things to do while running

I mean, YES.

14. stalker who is not mentally stable

You’ve actually come to the wrong place on this one. You should really call (write this down): 9-1-1, for that one. Go ahead. Right now.

15. real estate listing descriptions

OK, but why are you guys looking for that? You know they’re generally super boring right? Are you having trouble sleeping and you think reading ’tile in all the right places’ over and over again will help?

16. arizona room

Yeah, I hate those. You’re probably going to love me or loathe me for it.

17. leggings outfit

Oh my dear, that is a tricky path you’re navigating. It’s good you’ve come to me. I can help.

18. what questions should I ask when building a new home

YES! I can legitimately be of service in this regard! Like in a professional manner! (But you know, not like ‘the oldest profession’ or anything like that. Oh, right, you totally weren’t thinking that. That would be weird.)

See? The Google is kind of getting it. Or at least getting me. Or at the very least, sending over fewer people who are actually looking for porn.

*By ‘or so’ I mean ‘I really have idea of how long The Google has been doing this, please don’t hold me accountable for any facts or accuracy… in anything’.

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