The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Sometimes It's Hard Not to Giggle

Houses Shown: 9
How Glad I Was The Power Was Off In House #1 On a Scale of 1 to 10: 10
How Successful I Was At Suppressing My Shock And Remaining Professional At House #2: 4

I have a new buyer I’ve been working with the last couple of weeks. He’s a very nice guy and an engineer, which is always entertaining. Engineer’s do funny super analytical things like record the noise in the backyard of a house that backs to a major road on their Iphones to get a decibel reading of just how disturbing the traffic would be. I’m looking forward to meeting his girlfriend, the doctor, who just got back into town. We’ve had a couple of conversations about what he thinks she will and will not like and it’s always fun to see how those things actually line up (OK, maybe I’m easily entertained).

We saw nine houses this weekend and two were of note.

The first house is in a great Chandler neighborhood and probably would have been a really nice house if it hadn’t been abandoned and we hadn’t had that massive rainstorm a few weeks back which allowed several defects to surface:

Well that's not pretty, is it?

Ah yes, water leaking in through the electrical socket... that looks safe!

I'm just not understanding the concept behind this cesspool of rotting fruit and bacteria at all.

Well, and then there’s this:

Yes, that's the 202. What does your Iphone have to say about this one?

That house wasn’t going to win any beauty contests. The final house we saw, however, did have some former beauty contest winners displayed within it.

I was utterly fascinated by this last house of the day, I have to admit. I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m intrigued by people, their lives and especially their eccentricities. Really, a big part of why I love my job is that I get to learn all about people and what they do and what they’re into, etc. I feel a little bit like a therapist sometimes. We get into the car and I ask them questions and eventually their life story comes out. And yes, I love to hear it.

So the point is, this house was like a candy store and I’m the kid. I think I would literally pay money to meet the man who owns and resides in this house in person.

No, I don’t have any photos of the inside of this house. Basically, I couldn’t post them even if I had taken any unless I want to end up on a list with XXX after my name (REALTORS GONE WILD). The house was meticulous, the backyard was stunning, the layout was great, but the interior walls were covered in large framed posters (some photographs, some paintings) of naked women. We are talking roughly 30 images of women in wet t-shirts, posed as nude mermaids, standing nude in a dark hazy background that if you stood far enough away looked like a portrait of Abraham Lincoln; you get the idea.

And then there was the huge painting over the fireplace of a grey-bearded man steering a viking ship, who I’m assuming (due to the fact that most of the small framed photos in the house contained a grey-bearded man and the display of a vanity license plate that said ‘Da Viking’) is the home-owner. I’m not even sure how to process that.

Almost the weirdest thing about this house was just how deliberate, unabashed and organized the house was. There was not a hint of self-consciousness in the display of any of these pictures. They weren’t hidden away in the bedroom or office. Sure, they were there too, but they were also in the kitchen and the entry way and along the stair walls. He had 5 collections of magazines neatly lined up on a table in the family room. They were (in order): Popular Science, Playboy, Esquire, Maxim, and National Geographic.

OK, and I just Googled the Abraham Lincoln painting and it’s actually a famous Salvadore Dali painting called, Gala Contemplating the Mediterranean Sea which at Twenty Meters becomes a Portrait of Abraham Lincoln:

And it was alongside a framed and signed nude poster of Traci Lords. Mr. Viking? You are a dichotomy. I’m officially fascinated.

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