The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

So a Ninja, a Prisoner and Felix Baumgartner Walk Into a Bar…

I can’t decide if I love the fact that today 75% of my Facebook feed is pictures of the dressed up spawn of people I’ve known 15+ years, or if it makes me depressed that I’m old enough for this to be true.

Regardless, this is what Halloween 2012 looked like at our house:

Ben was a ninja for at least the third year.

What he lacked in creativity, he made up for in commitment.

Jonas was Felix Baumgartner, the space jump guy:

Gray went as a prisoner.

Here’s how that last one went:

Me: So what costumes did you get for Ben and Gray at the Halloween store?

Jason: Ben wanted to be a ninja, AGAIN. And this is what we got for Gray (pulls an orange jumpsuit out of a bag).

Me: …you bought our eight year old a felon costume?

Jason: It was the only costume he showed any interest in at all.

Me: OK, but did no part of you wonder if this was an appropriate costume for a third grader? Whether this is something we really want our kid to aspire to?

Jason: Well, no. It’s funny because the name of the penitentiary is ‘GOTBUSTED’.

Me: Oh yes, hilarious. It’s almost as funny as Calvin-peeing-on-things car stickers. I can hardly contain my mirth.

Jason: I’m not saying it’s high-brow humor…

Me: And what crime do you suppose our kid has committed in the scenario you’re proposing? Is he a murderer? Or merely a child molester?

Jason: No, no, nothing like that. Just… breaking and entering or something.

Me: Oh, right, so that’s why he has the fake, retractable dagger you also bought for him. Which is TOTALLY an OK thing, also. Why didn’t you buy him a wife-beater too and stop by the tattoo shop and get him a SAMCRO tattoo and he could just go as Jax Teller? Give me the receipt; I’ll take it back.

Jason: You can’t take it back. I bought it at one of those Spirit stores and they’re final sale…


Jason: Listen, now, this was a giant pain in the ass. I had to take the boys to three stores! And they complained about everything! I was just doing you a favor taking them so you didn’t have to and could get some work done and now you’re not happy with anything I did! Why did I even bother?

Me (as the whites of my eyes turn black, my head rotates around 360 degrees and blood leaks out of my left ear): I’m sorry? You were just ‘doing me a favor’? Oh, right, I forgot, because this is 1952 and our children and everything about them are my responsibility as their mother. Is that what you’re saying? And yes, I’m well aware it’s a huge pain in the ass to take the kids to buy Halloween costumes. I do it every year. Although I’m pretty sure I do it because I’m way better at it than you are and not because it’s ‘my job’!

Jason: Uh… that came out differently that I meant it. It’s not your job and I’m sorry. Can I get you a glass of wine?

Me: Yes. And he’s NOT allowed to have that dagger and I’m NOT being the bad guy about it.

Jason: Fair enough.


Jason and I also dressed up this year. Can you guess who I went as?

Every year for Halloween we go to a family friend’s house to sit in their driveway, eat chili and hand out candy. When I walked up this year:

My mom: Are you dressed as you from high school?

Me: No. But sort of close.

My sister: Oh you are totally Brenda Walsh, aren’t you?

Me: YES! Thank you!

My sister: Well I did watch two episodes of 90210 a day while I was home on maternity leave. So I’m sort of an expert.

So I consider the costume a success.

Can we please just celebrate the awesomeness of the high-waisted jean shorts I found at the Goodwill for a minute?

I sort of hope they come back into style. I didn’t have to suck in once all night and I could eat as much Halloween candy as I wanted. Plus there was no worry of any whale-tale incidents. I know, now you want to borrow them, don’t you?

Jason went as ‘Too cool to dress up’. It’s his costume every year he doesn’t go as ‘Husband whose wife is forcing him to dress up in a costume she picked out’.


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