Setting Trends (in Total Lunacy)

Remember how when skinny jeans first started becoming a thing we were all like, Um, right. I’m totally going to wear those. Right after I strap on my muffin-top enhancer and adhere my thigh expanding inserts. But now they’re in all of our closets along with neon lace tops and we completely dig them because they look so cute with flowy tops and tall boots, right?

The point is, the concept of ‘what looks good’ is heavily influenced by a fairly arbitrary standard set by fashion magazines, designers and (let’s face it) teenagers, amirite? Even people who consider their style ‘classic’ (versus those of us who tend toward ‘trendy’) end up eventually succumbing to the major crazes; it just takes them longer.

Being aware of this fact has not made me immune to it, unfortunately (and obviously).

I was mulling this the other day while blow-drying my hair and noticing my silver roots were once-again ready to be dyed into submission, when I had an epiphany: Rather than being mindlessly influenced by the trendsetters, maybe I should try to harness this sheep mentality and use it to my advantage. Check it: if I grow out my grey hair in a deliberate manner and regularly remind myself and everyone else that SILVER IS SPARKLY AND SPARKLY IS PRETTY, I bet I can totally convince us all I’m actually lucky to have so many sparkly hairs! It can be my thing.

I mean, right? There’s lots of evidence if you embrace something enthusiastically and convincingly enough people will start to believe it. Carrie Bradshaw’s visible bra straps? Kim Kardashian’s ginormous ass? Charles Manson’s general crazy? And please, I’m nothing if not enthusiastic and convincing.

So Saturday I announced I was planning to grow out my grey hair on Facebook (which is obviously the format for any important and life-changing announcements, as this was). The next day, I saw my sister:

Sarah: So you were kidding about that growing out your grey hair thing, right?

Me: No. You don’t think it will look good? It’s… sparkly… right?

Sarah: Well… I think it’s fine if you want to, but I think it will probably make you look… mature.

Me: I’m going to go throw up now.

And then yesterday I saw my mother, who explained matter-of-factly that grey hair inherently makes your hair look thinner and that because I already don’t have a ton of thick, luscious hair, I would probably end up looking closer to bald than sparkly.

Because you can’t argue with science, I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from lunch with my mother and sister and this is what I brought home:

It turns out instead of being the newest fashion maven and hairstyle trendsetter, I’m having a small mid-life crisis in reaction to turning 35 in just over two months in addition to adjusting to the idea that I am really, seriously, no joke going to be required to dye my hair every 3-4 weeks for the rest of my (sad, old) life unless I want to look bald… and mature.

(I thought maybe writing about this would make it better, but I’m pretty sure I’m actually more depressed now.)