The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.


I ran this morning. It was early. I have a crazy schedule today, so in order to keep my momentum going in both running and writing, I had to carve out time by scraping my raggedy ass out of bed at 4:30 AM. Additionally, this morning I made my first attempt at running with no walking intervals at all. You could say I was a little nervous about the whole thing.

This is how it went:

Mile 0.01 – Huh… It’s really dark out here. No, like really dark. It’s possible I should have worn something other than long black leggings and a long sleeved dark grey shirt. I’m thinking there’s a strong possibility I’m going to get completely run over by a car. Who designed this neighborhood? No sidewalks OR street lights? How is it not coated with pedestrian blood at this point?

Mile 0.02 – I’m not worried enough to go home and change, though.

Mile 0.7 – OK, what is this slow-driving-car doing behind me? Why is it pulling up in front of a house that’s clearly still under construction in the dark? And now it’s meandering down the street just in front of me. Some of these houses are lived in, right? If I run up and ring the doorbell of that house with the lights in the landscaping, will someone come out and save me before the guy in the white sedan jumps out and kidnaps me?

Mile 0.8 – That’s right, buddy, move it along and head out of this neighborhood. I was totally ready to start screaming and banging on doors and you would have been so sorry. That is, if you hadn’t grabbed me and stabbed me in the neck with a syringe of animal tranquilizers first.

Mile 1.2 – Wow, I have totally been running a long time. I’m not going to even look at my stopwatch to see how long I’ve been running because I don’t want to jinx it, but I know it has to have been more than my normal five minutes. I think it’s been at least 10 or 15 minutes. And I feel good. Dude, I am rockin- AAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh holy shit there is a guy with a knife totally coming out of the shadows on the side of the road right at me! I am so getting killed right now and no one will ever know how awesomely long I was running without walking!!! Oh, wait. That was just my shadow in the lights that line the front of the subdivision and the lights of a car coming up the winding road behind me. Dude, that was a messed up trick of the light. It really looked like someone coming at me. Is this what it feels like when you’re having heart attack? Like with the chest all constricted and limbs going numb? I wonder if it was any of my neighbors I know in that car and if they saw me jump and scream like a lunatic. That was moderately humiliating.

Mile 2.0 – Whew, I think I’ve got most of that adrenaline out of my system. And look how pretty it’s starting to get out now. The sky to the east is all lavender-y but there’s still lots of stars up top. Damn I’m lucky to live out here. Even if it does have sketchy cars driving around and streets streaked with human blood. And I’m still running! And it’s not even hard!

Mile 2.5 – I am kicking this run’s ass! I am actually going to get through this entire thing without walking at all. Wait, why did the sidewalk just go away? I should still be on the side-walked part on the exterior master-planned section of the community. But the sidewalk is gone… I feel like I took a wrong turn, but I couldn’t have, I was going straight.

Mile 2.51 – OK, none of this looks familiar. I’m officially lost. I’m lost in the neighborhood I’ve been living in for almost three years and have been running regularly for two months now. I’m running the same loop I did two days ago, but I’m lost. I think I might have slipped into an alternate dimension. Or maybe I did actually have a heart attack and die when I thought I was getting ax-murdered by my own shadow and I’m really lying on the ground at the front of my subdivision and only my ghost kept running. Maybe I was wrong all this time and there really is a heaven and I’m looking for the light right now. I don’t actually see any light, though. Oh… or maybe this is hell. Well that’s awkward.

Mile 2.49 – No wait, I see what I did. I just need to turn around and go back a block. Whew, I’m pretty glad I wasn’t in running hell. Although, I’m still feeling really good, so if this is hell, bring it on, bitches!

Mile 3 – Dude. I am seriously almost done, and I’m still running! I bet I could even run faster than I am. This is so weird. I think I actually feel better than I usually do at this point in the run. I’m energized and I don’t feel like my lungs are really working that hard at all. I never thought I would ever get to that point people always talk about where the act of running doesn’t feel kind of like I’m stabbing myself in the thigh repeatedly with a fork, but here I am. I’m running like a real runner, and dude, I’m writing a novel, too! I can do anything. No really, like anything. I’m totally going to join the circus next.

Mile 3.15 – OK, I’m just rounding the bend to the house, I should probably pull my stopwatch out of the band of my pants so I can get ready to stop it and record my kickass time. I bet I shaved like 10 minutes off, easily. No, I bet I halved it. I mean really, I usually walk one minute for every five and this time I ran the whole thing. I absolutely must have wrecked my personal best so far. I. Am. Awesome.

Mile 3.25 – WHAT. THE. FUCK? I added a minute and a half to my time? No… how can that be possible? I ran the whole time! Why would the universe work like that? Maybe my hipbone accidentally bumped against the buttons and caused it to stop the time I had started at the beginning of this run and then rotate back to the time I had saved from Monday and start that one, but it only happened like a minute and a half before I finished, so it really just added a minute and a half on to my last time. That probably happened. Or I just literally walk faster than I ran that. Christ, no wonder I felt so relaxed while doing it.

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