The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Irresponsible Playground Fun

I’m pretty sure whoever invented this particular piece of playground equipment:

Did so to fulfill an order for some hidden camera comedy show that targets small children. It’s marketed to parents who are tired of being abused by their surly toddlers and ready to have a little chuckle at a tiny human’s expense. It was only ever aired in Europe. It was called, “If No One’s Bleeding, It’s Funny!” roughly translated.

I’m guessing the Chandler government official in charge of stocking the playgrounds with equipment saw a screaming deal on a French website and didn’t stop to find a translator to read the fine print: This equipment is only to be used in humor/torture situations. Not to be used with actual children in real playgrounds. Short, professionally trained stunt doubles are allowed, but no children should be permitted within 5 miles of this deathtrap.

Here’s how you apparently use it (and when I say ‘you’, I mean Jonas and me, this morning):

1. Climb (or have your mom lift you) up onto the small round platform near the base.

2. Put one hand on each of the round handles at the top. Hold tight.

3. Ask your mom to spin you as fast as she can.

4. Twirl around at light speed with your head leaned back, giggling like a maniac for approximately 2 minutes.

5. Decide you’ve had enough and beseech your mother to stop.

6. As soon as the Orange Spinner of Death comes to a stop, attempt to climb off, but misjudge the distance between the platform and the ground and swing your foot straight through the air just below the platform while you let go with both hands. Crash to the wood chip covered ground, torso and giant toddler-sized noggin first.

7. Burst into tears over the head injury.

8. When your mom drops everything she’s holding and picks you back up to see if you’re OK, go crashing directly to the ground again, still sobbing.

9. Repeat the Step 8 twice more before your mother realizes you’re so dizzy you can’t remain on your feet, so picking you back up and stepping away isn’t helping so much as re-injuring you over and over.

10. Burst into tears as a result of PTSD every time you walk past the Orange Spinner of Death for the rest of the trip to the playground.

I did see a couple of other moms playing with their children on the OSD without injury. Their technique for Step 4 involved more of a snail-paced circular tour, so they avoided the dizziness factor of Steps 6-9. It’s possible this is the responsible manner in which to use the stupid thing. But really, who would know that?

Proof that Jonas did survive:


Comments are closed.

Comments Closed