How Not to do Sea World

Yesterday we went Sea World. Even though we’ve been a bunch of times I feel like every time we go we’re not prepared for the best possible outcome. So this time I’m going to write down my impressions so I will remember for next time:

Jeans are not at all appropriate attire for Sea World. Not even cute capri jeans that go really well with your tanktop and seem weather-appropriate. They will be immediately drenched at either the Shamu show, or on the Shipwreck Rapids ride and will never dry the rest of the day. And then they will chafe. Plus you’ll feel like you’re walking around in a wet, heavy diaper all day. You’ll feel like a tall toddler, is what I’m saying.

And speaking of the Shamu show; they’re not kidding about the ‘splash zone’. It’s not just a sprinkle of water. It’s like a bucket of ice water dumped on your head. And then five more times. Bring trash bags to put your copious electronic devices in. Don’t be attempting to photograph your children getting wet in the splash zone while actually standing in the splash zone. It won’t end well.

I don’t know when it happened, but the general public needs to be advised: THEY’VE STOPPED SELLING MARGARITAS AT SEA WORLD. I know; it was really difficult news for me to take also. I may have shed a tear or two when I sent Jason out to find me one and he visited every snack/drink station in the park and came back empty handed. Miller Lite in an aluminum bottle just did not cut it for me.

Two applications of sunscreen is not going to be adequate for the entire day. Probably four is closer to what is necessary. If you only apply twice every single person in your group will end up crispy.

I made the wrong choice when I decided to go to college instead of perfecting my diving skills and joining the Blue Horizon show where they have the divers and the dolphins and the birds and the outfits and the pretty makeup. All I really learned in college was how to drink anyway. Being a member of the show would have been life experience.

That horrible splash park/kids play area is a kidnapping pedofile’s dream. Every time we’ve been to that stupid area we lose at least one child and I have to climb up into the two-story net-type structure thing and crawl on my hands and knees through tunnels while my heart races and I have visions of Benson and Stabler standing over my child’s body making a gallows’s humor remark. We are avoiding that whole area next time.

I’m not at all convinced waiting in line for 75 minutes is worth three minutes of any type of fun. And I’m definitely not convinced waiting in line 75 minutes and an hour of it with Jonas asleep on my back is worth even like a really good present at the end of it, much less three minutes of more ice water down the back of my pants that were just. starting. to. dry.

But other than all of that, it was really fun. I liked the flamingos and the beluga whales the best.