Happy Birthday, Unicorn?

Dear Mom,

I’m just getting around to reading that book you gave me for my birthday a couple of weeks ago. It’s not that it didn’t look interesting. I had started that book, Gone Girl, and I was completely sucked in and had to finish it before picking anything else up.

The point is, I finished Gone Girl yesterday and sort of needed to rinse my brain out a little bit after something so intense, so I picked up this cartoony read you gave me (along with the Minnie Mouse t-shirt and gift certificate for circus lessons) and started flipping through it a bit.

When I originally saw the book and read the inscription you wrote:

I was amused and flattered. I love unicorns (obviously. who doesn’t love rainbow, sparkly, magic things?) and we all know I have a special place in my heart for both drinking and irony, so the cover of this book definitely appealed to me.

But it turns out Why Unicorn Drinks is all about an offensive, alcoholic, violent, sad, (impotent), stupid creature. It’s the latest in a line of books about how Unicorn is a jerk. In fact, the last page reads, “Sad about Unicorn’s terrible life? Don’t be! He’s a real son of a bitch…“. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been totally shocked. The cover is a touch… dark.

I’m not saying it’s not hilarious and awesome in a super offensive way. It is. It kind of reminds me of Cards Against Humanity. The page that says, “His friend tricked him into eating a placenta.” and shows Unicorn with what looks like raspberry jelly all over his face is especially non-sensical and disgustingly funny.

I am, however, battling the urge to be offended by the fact that you described me as the ‘most unicorny of* people [you] know’. I don’t want to over-think this, but Unicorn murdered a homeless person a third of the way through the book. I’m the MOST unicorny person you know? Hrm. I know it’s a mother’s job to help her children be the best humans they are capable of being, but I feel like if you think there are changes I should be making in my life and actions, there is probably a more sensitive (and clear) way to convey that to me.

Regardless, the book is very funny. So… thank you?

Love,

Mini

*PS – You’re probably going to be most upset about this post because I took a picture of something you wrote with a glaring mistake, as you are usually fairly typo-free. But don’t worry, everyone knows it’s much easier to make errors when you’re hand writing and can’t rely on spellcheck or backspace. Plus, last week Dad had to send me two emails for one error he found in the post I wrote because I corrected it wrong the first time. It happens to everyone.