I was thinking about writing a post comparing and contrasting Girls Weekend Trips and Guys Weekend Trips. You know, like:
Men go to strip clubs to see boobs.
Women watch the Unrated Blurred Lines video on YouTube five times in a row and then discuss how the brunette in the video should have 19 kids instead of Michelle Duggar, so she can work on repopulating the Earth with magical perfect boob genes. They wonder, briefly, if Robin Thicke actually has a big dick, or is just over compensating. Then they all take off their bras and compare the ravages of breast-feeding on their bodies.
But the problem is, I don’t think I really have enough information on the man-side to write a sufficient comparison. Really, what do men do on trips away with their friends? I get that there’s usually a lot of beer drinking… and the strip club aspect, plus there’s often some kind of sporting event, gambling or hunting portion. But other than that, what do they do?
I feel like they probably don’t go on group hikes, right? Or make friendship bracelets like they used to in 7th grade? Do they play Cards Against Humanity for hours on end, and eventually determine the answer card, ‘My Vagina’ is like a free win card because it’s always the best answer to anything?*
Do they get a little drunk and bitch about their spouses and kids and then get even more drunk and talk about how much they loooovvveee their spouses and kids until they get sort of teary?
Do they tell stories that go like this:
I had a lesbian experience once.
Yeah. It was just after college. I was leaving a gay club and this woman locked eyes with me, reached out and ran her hand through my hair…
Well, that was it. But it was really sensual.
I went a sex club one time, just to watch. But we got there too early and no one was having sex or even naked, so we got bored and left to go dancing.
Do they discuss the pros and cons of each type of birth control, how they feel, in-depth about their current career path (or lack thereof) and how their relationship with their in-laws relates to the one they have with their own parents and what it will mean for the one they have with the future spouses of their children?
Do they consider going streaking, but get sidetracked deliberating the fundamental basis of streaking and pondering the ancient philosophical question: If you get naked and run around in the woods in the dark, and no one is there to see you, is it really streaking?
Do they listen to music from when they were in high school, eat obscene amounts of junk food, practice twerking and laugh until they have sore abs the next day?
And, so, if men don’t do any of these things on Guys Trips, what on Earth do they do? What could possibly be the point? I think someone needs to tell them they’re doing it wrong.
*For example, here are three question cards I just randomly drew, in the order I drew them:
1. What’s a girl’s best friend?
Duh, My Vagina.
2. A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without __________.
My Vagina, obviously!
3. What’s my anti-drug?
It seriously can’t lose. Try it, you’ll see.
Side note (or post-note, I guess): My sister or brother-in-law (I’m not sure which) found this site that’s hosting a contest for 100 best blogs of 2013. They’re looking for blogs that fly under the radar. I feel super awkward about promoting myself for shit like this, but more readers is not a thing that would suck, so I’m just going to throw out a little pitch. If you’re amused or entertained (or even just embarrassed for me) regularly by this blog, consider heading over and nominating it in the Humor + Entertainment and Parenting sections. I’ll give you a super awkward hug where neither of us know what to do with our arms or which way to turn our heads the next time I see you.