Category Archives for ‘Advice’

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I’ve recently debated with a couple of different family members, the value (or lack thereof) of extolling your political leanings on social media and declaring yourself part of a particular movement. The family members weren’t arguing against the political viewpoint itself, or even the motivations of the movement, they were really just asserting that being loud about it on social media is silly, a waste of time, and will potentially alienate people whose minds you have no hope of changing.

I don’t disagree that Facebook political arguments often devolve into messy, pointless name-calling that does nothing but piss people off, and I confess I have, in the past, been on the wrong side of situations like that. I’m trying to be better about knowing when my arguing has no value, and when it’s hurting people. I respect other human beings who have views that aren’t mine, and I would rather have a conversation than an argument.

That said, I DO think there is intrinsic value to proclaiming my beliefs in our current political climate.

I’ve been lucky to live, until now, in a society that was heading in the direction of equal rights for all. There have, of course, been setbacks, but in my lifetime we’ve made strides toward righting the imbalance against minority groups of all sorts, and against women. There is fairly significant evidence this new administration intends to not just halt the momentum of our progress, but to actually repeal equal rights legislation, propelling us backward on these goals. I believe, strongly, that the normalization of the tactics that have been unleashed will put our country in jeopardy and set us back decades with respect to equal rights. This is something I intend to actively resist.

As such, I declare myself part of The Resistance of this administration’s goal to withhold equal rights from all humans.

A friend, who is an extremely vocal part of this resistance, has tasked me with attempting to organize small-scale fundraising to support some of the organizations that support equal rights, and are under attack by the new administration. I am to host a small fundraiser, and those who choose to attend, will do so agreeing to donate $100 to the ACLU or Planned Parenthood (attendee’s choice). They make the donation at the event from their own mobile device, directly to the organization (I won’t collect any money).

Therefore, here is my offer to you: I’m performing, Saturday, February 18, at 7:30PM, in a variety/burlesque show in downtown Phoenix, called Tryst, put on by Spellbound Productions. There will be 4 aerial acts, 6 burlesque pieces, and a comedy skit. If you are interested in attending and will agree to donate $100 that night to either the ACLU or Planned Parenthood, I will buy your ticket to the event. I also pledge to donate $100 to the ACLU that night, in addition to purchasing the tickets of my attendees. My goal is to have 10 of us donating, for a total of $1000 raised. It’s small, but not insignificant.

So if you think you might enjoy a sexy, fun aerial/burlesque show a week from Saturday AND you’ve been thinking you’d like to put your money where your mouth is with respect to equal human rights, hit me up. As long as you commit to me you will show up and donate, I will buy you a ticket and have it waiting in your name at the door.

If equal rights are important to you, but you’re out of town, busy, or aerial/burlesque shows aren’t your thing, I encourage you to not only donate, but to reach out to your social circles and consider organizing your own small-scale fundraiser. Jason read to me last night about a fundraiser put on by small coffee shops last weekend that gathered more than $400k for the ACLU. Have a dinner. Host a movie night at your house. Do a wine tasting. Have a karaoke party. Or tap in to your own creative instincts. Just put your money where your mouth is.

*Important info: This is my personal political agenda and not related to Spellbound Burlesque. I did, however, get their permission to advertise the show in this way.

**Full disclosure: I will be performing an aerial tippy lyra act with my clothes on. Not everyone else will keep his or her clothes on.

***Additional clarification: It makes me super nervous to put myself out there like this, but I feel like it’s important. So I’m doing it. While sweating nervously.

Photo by Nemec Photography.

Navigating the ever-changing mores of social media can be treacherous for people of all ages. Should I use a filter on this selfie? If I like that photo will the poster think I’m a stalker? Is friending my neighbor hazardous to the harmony of our silent car-wave exchanges? Questions like these plague the comfort of our online relationships and fuel a virtual legion of lurkers, paralyzed by potential missteps, sentenced to a life of scrolling without interaction.

Don’t be a lurker. I’m here to help.

You can have a successful social media experience, without the embarrassments and humiliations we’ve all fallen victim to at some point in our online existence, if you simply avoid a few pitfalls. It’s important to realize the rules change as you enter new phases of your life. What’s socially appropriate online when you’re 16 is vastly different from what’s acceptable when you’re 38, I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you. I’ve compiled a (by no means comprehensive) list of the more common activities to avoid on social media, categorized by age range for easy accessibility. Just remember, don’t do this shit, and you’ll be fine! (Probably… unless you’re a total psycho.)

Teen social media embarrassments to avoid:

1. Posting anything on Facebook – Sure, you should have a Facebook account, I mean, you’re still human. And feel free to let your parents and other relatives friend you. And of course you should monitor their interactions just in case anything interesting happens, and so when your mom swears online you can reference the post later just so she knows you know. But never, EVER, post anything. Facebook posting is for the olds.

2. Not liking every post that comes through your feed on Instagram – Proper teen etiquette dictates that it is only polite to like. every. single. post. Wait, did you miss one? Go back and like it! Like them all. Every one.

3. Being snapchat friends with your parents – This one’s tricky because you don’t want to hurt the rents’ feelings (and they’re kind of sensitive). But over the age of 12 you also don’t want to be caught dead snapping with them. I suggest you approach this as a little bit of a long game. Once you turn 13, ease off on any and all snapping. Act like it’s a teen thing and you’re too cool for it now. Then, once it’s been a few weeks since you’ve snapped anything you can covertly unfriend your parents and they won’t even notice! After that you can go back to snapping all your random teen inappropriateness without them even knowing. Just don’t get so involved in your snaplyfe that you forget and mention a hilarious thing you snapped in front of them, because then the jig is up.

4. Not establishing a proper Youtube fan base by age 12 – I mean, if you’re going to have a hope of having a career as a Youtuber, you need to be proactive. My youngest is nine and he just got his first video camera to start his channel and I’m afraid he might have already missed the boat.

5. LOLing instead of LMAOing – I don’t need to tell you this, right? I mean no one under the age of 25 would ever even think about LOLing, right?

20s social media embarrassments to avoid:

1. Not vaguebooking vaguely enough – Sometimes you just want to vent that your life is hard. Sometimes you feel sad and like you’re not getting enough attention. Vaugebooking, when done correctly, is like a loud, dramatic sigh, so your boyfriend will pet your hair and tell you it’s going to be ok. It’s just a social cue that you need a little consoling. This can be slightly annoying to some people, but as long as you don’t abuse the privilege, you can get away with it. The problem comes into play when you want to call someone out for an offense, but you don’t have the guts to do it publicly, or the decorum to take care of your business in private like an adult. So instead, you post a long dramatic rant, simply omitting the names of the parties involved. This is annoying to EVERYONE. The people who know who you’re talking about can see the trainwreck speeding toward your life and are rolling the shit out of their eyes at you. The people who don’t know you well enough to know what you’re talking about are irritated they don’t understand the show. The people you’re posting about now feel vindicated in their own bad behavior because you’re acting like an asshole, too. Don’t do it, there’s just no benefit.

2. Posting anything but your best, most idyllic moments on Instagram – This is the place where 20-somethings #namaste and feel #blessed. Is your life not going great? Your outfit not perfect? Your trick not polished and gorgeous? Keep that shit off Instagram. Instagram is where people go to be inspired and feel bad about their own lives in comparison. Save it for Twitter.

3. Forgetting to block your new boss from all of your social media except LinkedIn – Despite the repeated real life examples the media loves to parade about in all their misery, you people seem slow on this particular uptake.

30s social media embarrassments to avoid:

1. Couple accounts – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, STOP IT. You and your spouse are not the same person.

2. Excessive use of all-caps and exclamation points – This is a bad habit that snowballs. Once you’ve used them for emphasis enough times, it starts to feel like writing normally sounds monotone or like you’re bored or even mad; sort of like replying to a text with “Ok.”. But don’t get sucked into that mindset. It’s possible to show emotion through words, and not just capitals, punctuation, and emojis. Learn to do this, because if you’re one of the people who fall into this trap, the rest of us just kind of think you’re shouty and possibly incontinent.

3. Sharing your actual political opinions anywhere but Twitter – It seems like maybe you should do this on Facebook, because you could potentially make a difference and change someone’s mind, but you can’t. You’re just making the people who already agreed with you nod their heads and everyone who doesn’t unfollow you. It’s just not a good venue for political discourse, unfortunately. Not that Twitter really is, but the rules of polite society are looser on Twitter.

4. Never posting anything but the positives – You know the rule about Instagram for the 20 somethings? It’s the opposite for the 30 and above set on Facebook. You’ve got to mix it up or you stop coming off as genuine. I’m not saying you should invent drama or misery if your life is really great right now, but let’s be honest, everyone has bad days. Just make sure you’re letting your social media accounts know your grass has weeds sometimes, too, so we don’t write you off as inauthentic.

5. Drunk Facebook messaging – I know it feels like you have a funny story you just really need to tell that girl you haven’t talked to since 5th grade, but if it’s actually funny and relevant, it will still be tomorrow when you’ve slept off the 3 shots of Tequila you did at your girls night out. Just don’t. You’re too old for this. You’ll regret it. (I always do.)

40s social media embarrassments to avoid:

1. Only posting what your MLM/business recommends – I’ve seen this behavior from 30 somethings, also, although it’s more likely to be the only things posted from the 40 something set. However old you are, remember, we became friends with you, or followed you, because we like you and think you’re interesting. We probably don’t give a shit about your MLM. We might tolerate a post or two if you do it right and it doesn’t feel completely canned, but if it’s all you post about, this is the quickest route to Unfollowville, as far as I’m concerned, even if I really love you as a person.

2. Over-professing spousal love – You’re not fooling anyone. We’ve all read the psychology articles revealing how studies show the people who are loudest about how much they love their spouse are the ones whose marriages are most fucked up. Even if that’s not the truth, it’s what we’re thinking. Or we’re thinking you’re annoying for being so happy all the goddamn time, because we’re basically bitter, terrible people. I’m sorry. Ish.

50s and 60s social media embarrassments to avoid:

1. Signing your Facebook comments – You’re not old enough to get away with this behavior yet. Get it together, man! Your granddaughter knows it’s you commenting “That was beautiful, sweetheart!” on the video of her chorale recital, because your NAME AND PROFILE PIC are next to your comment.

2. Over-liking of people’s posts you don’t really know and who aren’t age appropriate – It’s possible you’re just being supportive, but you’ve got to watch your tenor online, just like you do IRL. You know that older guy in the office who always hugs the female coworkers too long? You’re being that guy.

3. Getting scammed by fake accounts – Repeat after me: I will not accept friend requests from people with fewer than 3 mutual friends who I trust, and I will not accept friend requests from people who I know I’m already friends with, even if the request I’m getting has the person I know’s profile picture. 

70s+ social media embarrassments to avoid:

You get a pass! Your social media engagement is adorable and we’re just proud of you for participating. You can drunk message all you want, Grandma! (Dear My Grandma Jean, please drunk Facebook message me, it would be so great.) Your couple account is endearing (we know who’s actually posting to it, and let’s face it, you’ve been married 50 years, so you’ve put in enough time you can speak for each other). We even think it’s cute when you sign your posts. You’re allowed to only share positive things if you want. Or to vaguebook not so vaguely. I can’t wait until I’m 70 and then you’ll all really know how I feel. (Just kidding, you already do.)

Go forth now with these lessons and socialize on the internet with proper etiquette and without fear of online humiliation.

Let’s talk real estate for a minute. (Yes, I still do that, when I’m not hanging upside down.)

Here’s the scenario: You’ve been home shopping forever. I have you set up on an auto-search for the MLS. It emails you daily when a new property that fits your criteria comes on the market. We’ve seen every single house that could possibly be a match for what you need and want (and 307 others). Nothing was right. Nothing was perfect. You’re stuck in a holding pattern until The Dream House comes on the market. You’re frustrated. You have good money you’re willing to spend! (Or at least good money a bank is willing to let you to spend.) You just need the right house.

So you do a little online perusing. You know most of the Zillows and Trulias and Realtor.coms pull their inventory from the MLS, but maybe, just maybe, there’s something out there that slipped through the cracks for some reason. There’s no harm in covering all of the bases, right?

After some extensive online searching, a miracle occurs. It turns out the perfect house does exist and you’ve unearthed it! It’s the unicorn house. It has an amazing yard, backs to no major roads, is single-level, in an excellent school district, has a walk-in pantry, a closet with an amazing shoe rack, and an in-ground trampoline! Wasting not an instant, you call me. It’s 11:17PM.

Me: Hello?

You: OHMYGODIFOUNDTHEHOUSEWEHAVETOSEEITRIGHTNOW!!!

Me: Ok… well it’s dark right now. And I’ve had wine. Plus tonight is the finale of The Challenge and I’m watching The Shit They Should’ve Shown and folding laundry. But we can totally go tomorrow; what’s the address?

You (guiltily): Well, it’s not from the search. I know you hate Zillow, but I found it there…

Me: It’s not that I hate Zillow, it just is often misleading. But it’s fine. I totally get it. Everyone searches Zillow. Text me the address and I’ll pull it up and see what the story is.

You: OKGREATIKNOWTHISISTHEONEIHAVETOHAVEIT!!! I was looking at the pictures and I’m pretty sure the tree in the back is a special genetically engineered mimosa tree. I heard about them on NPR. And the floor in the kitchen is that new composite material made from the shavings of unicorn horns. And I’m sure this is the neighborhood I read that Santa visits first every year. I saw a rainbow earlier this week and I know for a fact it ended in the backyard of this house. This is the house!!!

Me: I understand. I would tell you not to get your hopes up too high before we’ve seen the house, but I think we’ve moved past that checkpoint.

You: I need to go. I’m going to paint my nails to match the interior color scheme of the house so I make a good impression on it tomorrow when we visit. I want everything to be perfect.

Me: Right. Sounds good.

0.4 seconds later my phone buzzes with the address of the most wonderful and magical house you’ve ever seen. What I didn’t tell you was that I’m pretty sure I know where this is going. Sure, it’s possible the house is 3 square feet under the required minimum we set up in the search, or a block outside of the search parameters. Probably, though, it’s under contract.

See, there’s a flaw in the system, at least here in the Arizona Regional Multiple Listing System (ARMLS). There are currently three statuses in ARMLS that will show up as ‘Active’ when pulled into any other system:

1. Active – Available for sale and no contract has currently been accepted.

2. UCB (Under Contract – Backups) – A contract has been accepted in first position and the seller is willing to consider holding offers in back-up position.

3. CCBS (Contract Contingent on Buyer Sale) – A contract has been accepted in first position, but it is contingent upon the sale and/or close of escrow of the buyer’s property, so there is either a first right of refusal clause in the contract that states the seller can continue to market for offers and if he gets something better give the buyer 24 hours to remove the contingency or he will cancel, or he is just marketing for backups because it’s a buyer situation that is statistically more likely to fall apart.

Additionally, although there is not currently a technical designation for this, many agents use the UCB designation on a short sale as an indication the seller has accepted an offer in first position, but the bank hasn’t approved this offer. Once the bank has approved the offer they change it to Pending to show it’s a more stable situation.

All of these cases show up on any of the searchable real estate websites as Active.

Me: So… your unicorn house is under contract.

You: WHAT???!! I can’t breathe… I think I’m dying.

Me: Get a paper bag. Try to think happy thoughts. The agent has it listed that it’s under contract but they’re accepting back up offers. So that’s why it’s showing that way on Zillow. But it’s been under contract for 3 weeks, so my guess is that it’s closing in a week or so.

You: NOOOOOOOOO. I drove by this morning and the next door neighbor was getting into his car. I’m pretty sure it was Ryan Gosling.

Me: I’m really sorry.

You: Ok, but if they’re accepting back up offers, than can I still see it? Because I want to do that. I want to write a back up offer! We will match whatever they have. So if that buyer backs out, then we’ll get the house! There’s still hope, right?

Me: Um… well… back up offers can be problematic. I’ll call and see.

***

Me: Hi, your listing with the mimosa tree-

Listing Agent: Yes, the one with the pot of gold on the side yard. It’s under contract.

Me: Yes, I know. I have a buyer who’d like to make a back up offer.

Listing Agent: Oh… well, we’re through the inspection period and the appraisal, soo…

Me: Ok, but you have it listed that you’re accepting back up offers, and my client would like to see it and write one.

Listing Agent: Um… well my sellers are actually packing to move. And they have 4 kids under the age of 5, so scheduling a showing right now might actually make them murder me.

Me: Why do you have it listed as UCB then?

Listing Agent: Well, I mean, back up offers can’t ever be a bad thing, right? I wanted to make sure I was still marketing the property as aggressively a possible for my sellers. We want to make sure all of our options are open.

Me: OK, so if we can’t see it, but my buyer still wants to write a backup offer, can you disclose the terms of the contract you accepted so we can match it or do better than it to have a contract suitable for your seller?

Listing Agent: Oh, I can’t disclose the terms of the contract until we’ve closed escrow. That would be showing our hand.

Me: Technically, you can if your seller consents to allow you to disclose. And if we don’t know what you’ve accepted, how can we write up something to match it?

Listing Agent: Let me talk to my seller and get back to you.

*10 Minutes Later*

Listing Agent: My seller has decided not to accept back up offers at this time. I’ve changed the listing to Pending. I will keep your information on file and contact you if anything happens to this buyer.

Me: Right. Thanks.

***

Me: *Relays conversation*

You: *Dies inside*

In summary: Back-up offers suck and UCB is stupid.

In a faster, more competitive market than we’re in right now, back-up offers can potentially be useful. If a seller gets 12 offers after 24 hours on the market, it might make sense to accept one and then accept another in back-up position, if two were similarly competitive. In 99% of situations, however, it makes more sense to go back on the open market if your buyer cancels or is unable to perform. Most of the successful agents I know keep a file of interested parties on listings that are currently under contract, and if it looks like things are going south, they contact the potential buyers/agents and let them know it’s time to put together their best offer. UCB is a silly, over-used, under-analyzed status that mostly makes buyers confused and allows agents who have listings under contract to continue to market the listing to gain new buyer leads.

Dear All Internet Real Estate Search Sites,

Figure out a better solution for this.

Love, Everyone in Arizona

I’d like to take a minute to highlight a serious issue that affects millions of people worldwide every day, hanger.

I know we’re all familiar with hanger. Brave advocacy groups like Snickers have done enough to raise awareness in the last few years that it’s no longer a condition shrouded in secrecy and shame. Now, sufferers can take comfort in knowing their loved ones and coworkers will at least understand, if not respect their choice to respond to a question like, “Hey, Claire, how’s it going?” with “It’s 2PM, I haven’t eaten lunch yet, and your face is irritating the shit out of me.”

That said, I think there’s still a lot of work to be done educating the public about the dangers of hangriness and how to care for someone in the throes of a hangry episode. Now is not the time for complacency. Complacency will only lead to rage-filled omissions of inappropriate honesty and subsequently uncomfortable relationships. Who among us hasn’t wanted to tell Fred he needs to stop constantly interrupting your work to make small talk about his weekend Netflix binge-watching? But if Judy does it when she’s nearly blind with rage over her plummeting blood sugar level, she’s also going to mention his BO and that he wasn’t invited to the potluck barbecue at Cindy’s because he always stares at Sasha’s boobs and makes her uncomfortable. And then Fred will make everyone else feel uncomfortable by asking if this is true. No one needs this sort of unbalance in the delicate ecosystem of the workplace, right? We all just want to do our stupid, ultimately meaningless jobs and go home!

My nephew, Colby, was recently involved in an unfortunate incident at his Montessori that could have easily been avoided if only his teacher had been sensitive to the needs of the hangry child and had helped him open that banana. That banana didn’t need to end up trapped, mashed beyond repair. Though she may have deserved it, the teacher could have avoided the name-calling and tears she was subjected to. Education is the key.

This is why now, more than ever, it’s important to share our stories and continue to get the word out about hanger and what we, as a community can do to help.

I, personally, have both seen and felt the ravages of hanger. This is my story.

Yesterday morning an ill-fated sequence of events led me to leave the house at noon after a 2.5 hour hike, without eating anything. I was on my way to a title company in Scottsdale to drop off an earnest money check, and I thought I’d grab something to eat on the way, or after. Unfortunately, even though I’m a 37 year old woman who has been suffering with hanger my entire life, I forgot that sometimes, with the right combination of exercise and attempted rehydration, the hanger will skip the initial symptoms of growling stomach and shaky hands, and go straight for the brain.

I pulled away from the house in a fog, and tried to formulate a plan of action. The title company was 25 minutes north and west of my house. There were lots of restaurants between here and there… where should I stop? My brain hazily struggled to come up with some possible options. A BLT sounds good. Lot’s of places have BLTs… bacon is pretty. And chips. Chips are happy things. Maybe if I just pull off at the next exit and knock on someone’s door they’ll make me a BLT?  This was when my gas light went on, snapping me back to reality and inserting a further sense of urgency into the situation.

I know, I thought, finally coming up with a solution, I’ll call Jason and ask him where I should eat. He always knows stuff like this. 

Me (slurring): Hey.

Jason: Hey, what’s up? I’m just getting back to work from lunch.

Me: Oh. Ok. Um… oh right. I need help. 

Jason: Ok? 

Me (taking a deep breath and trying to keep it together): I… am driving to Scottsdale, and I almost died with the 10 mile walk and no water and now I need to find food. I don’t feel super hungry, but I think I need to eat. I want a BLT and I don’t know where to go. So… can you tell me where to go?

Jason: Um… well, there’s this place Mandy said she was just at the other day in Tempe, it’s called Nocawich. It has lots of sandwiches and it’s supposed to be good.

Me: Yes. Sure. Where?

He texted me the address and I reset my GPS, feeling more secure about a plan in place to secure nourishment.

My relief, however, was short-lived. As I drew closer to the restaurant, I realized, with growing horror, that it was located directly on ASU’s campus. I turned down College Ave and was suddenly surrounded by meandering 20-somethings in crop-tops and on long boards. There were buses vying for a spot in my lane. Cars honked behind me. Nocawich was a storefront with no visible parking and a line out the door. This was not a situation I could possibly navigate in my current condition. My overworked, starving brain began to melt down. I forgot how to drive. I considered putting the car in park right there, turning on my hazards, and laying down to die in the front seat.

Gradually my misery shifted and I began to see red. THIS WAS JASON’S FAULT. I took a deep breath and made a U-turn in front of a service vehicle and narrowly missed flattening three jaywalking coeds. He had obviously sent me here ON PURPOSE, knowing it would be hell-on-earth, just to torture me! That bastard!!

As I sat through three cycles of a green arrow, trying to extricate myself from the congestion of the campus, still food-free and running even more low on literal gas, I let fly with a series of furious voice-text messages to my husband, beginning with, “This was a terrible fucking idea” and finishing off with the dramatic, “I really really hate my life right now”.

Jason, being well-versed in the signs of hanger, knew he could do nothing from his vantage point, and minimized provocation by only responding in sad faced emojis.

At that point, I decided just to continue on to the title company. I would stop somewhere in Scottsdale that looked empty with parking close by. And somewhere with wine.

Getting off the freeway, I remembered that Scottsdale is a landscape barren of gas stations, and if I didn’t want to run out and be forced to hitchhike to the nearest Taco Bell, I needed to stop at the first one I could find.

The Shell station on Indian Bend and Hayden was where I exited my car for the first time since the morning’s walk from hell. It was also where I discovered my leg muscles were revolting from over-use and in utter misery. I limped to and from the gas pump and cursed my life even further.

Finally, at 1:15pm I pulled up to the title company building. Of course it wasn’t in a strip mall where I could park right in front, walk 10 steps in and hand the check to the receptionist. It was in an enormous, three story office building with 8 separate entrances and no indication whatsoever which was closest to the title company I was looking for. I circled the parking lot once and wept furious tears before sucking up every ounce of will I still had to offer, and limped, miserably, toward the building.

Once I entered the door of roulette I’d chosen, it was clear I was in some 7th circle of real estate hell. The downstairs housed at least three different real estate sales companies, and I could see three title agencies upstairs. My poor, feeble brain could not compute. I looked down at the check in my hand to remember where I was trying to get, and hobbled over to a touchscreen directory.

Eventually it became clear I’d need to climb a set of winding stairs to get to the title company. Of course. I cursed every stupid, fucking step as I slowly, deliberately climbed it. I’m sure the other people in the building thought I was disabled or was autistic. The steps infuriated me. The receptionist was a raging twit who deserved capital punishment for her laugh. That lady who passed me on the stairs on the way down and gave me a sideways look had no idea how lucky she was she was to be just out of tripping range at that moment.

When I got back to my car, after laying my head on my steering wheel for a minute, I resolved to stop at a “pizza and wine” sign I’d seen a mile or so back toward the freeway.

The restaurant was almost empty at 1:45pm when I entered, but at that point I gave zero fucks as to whether this was an indication of the quality of food. I sat down at the bar and ordered a glass of wine, a salad and an individual pizza. I still wasn’t shaky or even traditionally starving, just sore, exhausted, and furious with all people and inanimate objects within a 2 mile radius (and my husband, of course).

Four bites into my arugula and white bean mediterranean salad my vision started to clear around the edges. Breathing became easier. I realized my husband probably wasn’t a stupid selfish asshole who didn’t care about me or my well-being at all. He was just trying to help. It was good I hadn’t told him all of the stuff I’d been thinking. Things… were going to be ok. By the time I finished the pizza, the world looked like a giant double rainbow had appeared over the horizon, and I was really, really glad I hadn’t committed homicide in the last 2 hours.

You, too, can avoid being the victim or perpetrator of hanger violence by arming yourself against this common, but dangerous condition. Carry snacks. Near mealtimes, speak in soothing tones. Make and always have on hand a list of restaurants you, or your hangry-afflicted loved one has enjoyed in the past, to refer to during cloudy-brain episodes. And always apologize to a hangry person, even if it’s not your fault.

Spread the word!

Halloween is a pain in the ass. Pumpkin carving is messy and time-consuming and mostly just reminds you you’re terrible at arts and crafts. Your kids really only want to dress up as whatever costume comes with the biggest and most dangerous looking weapon. A trip to the Spirit store makes you feel like you’ve just exposed your children to the most degenerate elements of humanity: stripper slut from Sons of Anarchy costume around one corner and realistic looking human organs covered in red slime around the next. Sure, this is where you go to get the TMNT costume your five year old has been begging for, but it’s right next to a chainsaw dripping with blood. Also, watch where you step. You don’t want to accidentally activate the enormous animatronic spider that will jump out and kick off a lifetime of arachnophobia in your 3 year old. Add to all that the fact that brainstorming a costume for yourself that’s fun, not offensive and doesn’t have the word ‘sexy’ in the name seems futile. Oh, and finding candy wrappers in the laundry for weeks after you thought you eradicated the candy supply makes you want to strangle someone.

Yep, Halloween is kind of the worst. Except: it’s also totally the best. Don’t worry, it’s ok if you’ve gotten bogged down in the minutia and lost the Halloween spirit. It happens to the best of us. I’m here to help.

Five steps to remembering why you LOVE Halloween:

Step 1: Buy your favorite Halloween candy JUST FOR YOU. 

Remember when you were a kid and you had to just hope someone in your neighborhood wasn’t a cheap ass and would be handing out full Butterfingers? Well now you’re an adult and you can buy your own goddamn Butterfingers! And this time of year it’s seasonally acceptable to just have a bag of your favorites in your drawer at work. You’re not a fatty, you’re in training for the big day.

Step 2: Dig out pictures from Halloweens past and post them on social media.

This year is a particularly special Halloween because it falls on a Friday (which I read in a Meme only happens once every 777 years). So not only do we not have to worry about being hungover at work the next day, but the day before is Throwback Thursday! We can spend all day posting pictures like this:

And remembering when it was age-appropriate to dress like a slutty Wicked Witch of the West.

Step 3: Bust out the weird gothy accessories you occasionally randomly purchase.

Spiderweb fishnets you have no idea where you got?

This is the week to wear them!

Awesome skull scarf you once considered wearing to a funeral but then decided you’d be the only one who would think it was funny?

It’s totally not weird the week of Halloween!

(Don’t wear them together, though. Then you just look like you put on your slutty pirate costume a day early:

It’s not ok.)

Step 4: Watch a marathon of Roseanne Halloween episodes on the TVLand channel.

This is one of the more important steps to regaining the Halloween spirit and is not to be missed. If you can watch three episodes of Roseanne, Dan, Jackie and the kids dressing up fantastically and elaborately and being assholes to each other and everyone around them in sadistically hilarious ways without feeling moved by the Halloween spirit to share it with everyone around you… well then you’re dead inside (and not in the cool, zombie way) and I can’t help you.

Step 5: Last, but not least, read this entire thread of scary stories.

I read half of them yesterday and the other half today while I was home alone. I had to take breaks because it started to be terrifying to go into the garage or upstairs by myself. It seemed clear there were like 80 ghosts hiding in both of those places. Even though we’re the original owners of this house.

Some of the stories are lame and some are horrifying. I think it makes them all so much more fascinating that they’re all told by people who believe what they’re telling implicitly (but I’m also kind of a voyeur).

I’m a fairly firm skeptic, so I don’t really have any spooky stories, but I do have in my possession the Ouija Board we used when we were 16 to contact the spirits in my BFF’s house. It’s possible we got in touch with River Phoenix once, after he ODed. I swear it wasn’t me pushing the pointer thing, despite the fact everyone suspected me. I think it might have been Amanda, though. I also one time did Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board at the 9th grade cheer sleepover and I was the person being lifted. I had my eyes closed the whole time as they chanted and felt them lift me off the ground. After a few minutes of the feverishly whispered chanting, I peeked, saw the ceiling inches from my face, screamed bloody murder and they dropped me. But I think that was physics, not poltergeists.

Those are my only paranormal experiences. But if you have any good ones, feel free to leave them in the comments. Even though I’ll be sure there was a logical explanation, I assure you they’ll make me check behind the shower curtain in the bathroom before I pee.

That should do it: Go forth and spread the Halloween cheer!!