The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Can everyone stop rolling their eyes at me?

Things I feel like you should know right now:

1. Mysterious Illness Update #∞ – As of like three days ago I seem to be completely rash-free. Almost exactly three months after the first onset I no longer have any unexplained red dots and I haven’t used the steroid creme in more than two weeks. After hours of time wasted in doctors’ offices and hundreds of dollars in copays I learned doctors rely pretty heavily on both Web-MD and the ‘wait-and-see’ diagnosis. So basically they’re useless. Also I’m pretty sure when they interview for receptionists they look for extensive training in Being a Bitch, with an emphasis in Eye-Rolling and Interrupting Your Story.

The point is, none of the tests they ran ever came back positive. They never determined any kind of a diagnosis beyond We’re pretty sure it’s a virus and nothing that’s gonna kill you. Which is not just a little irritating and unsatisfying. But at least I don’t look like I have leprosy any longer.

2. Unfortunately, due to my new found disrespect for all medical professionals, I waited to take Gray to the doctor last week until he was four days into a fever and stomachache I assumed was ‘a virus’ (Doctor speak for, What the eff do I know? That’ll be $40.). Of course he actually had strep throat, a legitimately easy to diagnose and treat infection that generally doesn’t just get better on its own very quickly. So now he’s missed 4 days of school and 12-16 meals, and has only just started sleeping non-vampire hours again. So I suck.

3. The washing machine and I are ‘on a break’.

Yesterday when I was putting in a load of dirty clothes, I noticed a pair of Ben’s underwear had fallen between the wall and the machine, so I reached into the crevice, snagged the undies and threw them on the top of the load. When they landed in the machine, A SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HEAD (practically) emerged and ran down inside the folds of the dirty clothes. I’m sure I don’t have to explain that I screamed like someone was trying to murder me (because clearly that spider was thinking murderous thoughts). Jason came running (ish… he ambled upstairs with rolly eyes*) and ultimately decided the way to handle this was to run the washing machine with the spider in it.

After the load had finished washing, Jason removed each piece of laundry individually and checked it for spiders (because that’s why you get married, so you don’t have to do shit like that yourself). He didn’t find anything. I’m pretty sure he thinks I made the whole thing up, but he says the spider probably got washed out of the machine and down the drain. I find that unlikely seeing as how our machine usually doesn’t even get the playground sand out of Jonas’s pockets, but I’m not sure what to do about it. Currently I’m avoiding both the laundry room and the load of now clean and dry laundry the spider was originally in. I figure if he made it through the wash employing some sort of arachnid-James-Bondery, this will give him time to either vacate the premise or  to invite all his friends to this new fun place he’s discovered. In the case of the latter we’ll obviously have an epic showdown only one of us will survive. Imma choose flame-thrower as my weapon because it worked in Arachnophobia.

4. Ignite Phoenix #16 wrapped up last Friday night. It was an awesome show and I was proud to be on the committee. (I also had a small MC duty in the middle of the show just to remind myself that I’m kind of terrible at public speaking.) I feel strongly that it’s an important event to Phoenix culture and the people who put it together (minus me) are insanely hardworking and creative. That said, I feel like I just don’t have the time to commit to the project it needs and I generally feel sick-to-my-stomach-guilty throughout the process for not attending meetings or reading all the emails like I should. In order to devote more time (like the rest of the committee does), I feel like I’d have to give up working out, hire a chauffeur and chef and stop showing property on Saturday mornings. The first I could get away with (although I don’t want to), but the other two are just not an option in my life right now.

But, OF COURSE, the next Ignite event on the books is the long awaited Ignite Phoenix After Hours, the vulgar, sexy, R-rated version of Ignite they only put on every couple of years because it’s a logistic (and potentially literal) clusterfuck. Obviously I don’t want to miss out on this shit.

So probably, instead of trying to recognize my own limitations and scale back on my activities, I’m going to redouble my efforts through the fall so I can be a part of this event. I’ll sleep when I’m dead, right? Or possibly, since we’ve already established I’m a failure as a parent up in number 2, when I’m supposed to be helping my kids with their homework.

That’s mostly it here right now.



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