Because Mondays are Terrible

Stupid Monday.

Things that are upsetting me today:

1. The raw hamburger meat I saved from the extra big package I bought last week for tacos has gone grey and I don’t know if that necessarily means it’s bad, but it grosses me out every time I open the fridge.

2. I think the title lady on the house I have closing today might be clinically insane. It’s not 8AM yet and I’m having trouble not responding to her last email in this manner:

Dear Xxxxxxx,

What you’re saying is factually untrue and I’m afraid you’re legitimately a crazy person. How did you get this job? Is it some kind of psychiatric ward out-patient work program? When we signed the closing docs with you on Friday I thought you were kind of twitchy, but sometimes I think I come off a little twitchy, too, so I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Now I just want to have t-shirts made that say, “Please don’t mistake my twitchiness for insanity” and not give one to you. I’m not going to scream at you, but only because I believe in compassion for the mentally ill. Please, PLEASE get your shit together, if only just for this morning to get this deal closed.

3. I learned a new trick in circus class yesterday on the silks called a Tick Tock:

Cool, right? Less cool are the massive, dark purple upper thigh bruises I have from the drop towards the end. (I won’t refer to them as ‘vagina bruises’ because it makes my father uncomfortable, but I’m pretty sure that’s what the technical name is.)

I would feel bad about texting pictures of my vagina bruises (oops. Sorry, Dad.) to several of my best friends, but three of them are pregnant right now and I’ve had to endure several text conversations regarding the size, tenderness and tendency to leak of their boobs. So it’s only fair. If you can’t text pictures of your vagina bruises to your best friends so they can feel your pain, they’re not really your best friends.

4. The end of the year is coming too fast and I’m not in any way equipped to deal with:

• Holiday music
• Family holiday card pictures
• The ensuing database clusterfuck I’ll have to navigate to send out cards
• The stress and ultimate failure that always comes with Christmas presents

All I want for Christmas is to not have Christmas. Is that too much to ask?

I think that’s mostly what I feel whiny about right this second. In positive Monday news:

A – I’m throwing away all the remaining Halloween candy. Right now. RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE.

B – Did you watch The Good Wife last night? Eli Gold and Ugly Betty are the weirdest, most adorably age-inappropriate couple like ever on the planet, right? I completely don’t get it, except I sort of do and I’m so happy for them both. It’s like How The Grinch Stole Christmas met and fell in love with The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants. I feel like no one’s talking about this and we all should be. (And stop being such a debbie downer, Mr. Big.)

So, you know… go forth and multiply. Or at least try to survive Monday without stabbing anyone in the neck with a pen.