Back-up Plans

This real estate gig has been working out pretty well for me lately. The year started out slow, but has accelerated to a pace I sometimes worry will spin out of control and I’ll drive myself right off a cliff. Yesterday, for example, I Facebooked bodily threats (involving Sriracha, natch) to an agent I was waiting on to send me a verbally-agreed-to signed contract. I realize that means I was more emotionally invested in the sale of the house than I probably should be. Real estate can get a little stressful.

The point is, deals are closing and pay checks are coming in right now, but I’m under no illusion this will last consistently, longterm. I’ve been around long enough to see the mighty fall, time and time again. The sad fact is, 75% of the agents raking in the big bucks in 2005 had their Hummers repossessed in 2009*.

I’ve been brainstorming new careers to go into for when I either go too far on this blog and people start to think I’m legitimately insane and stop referring me, or have a nervous breakdown over-thinking the delicate line between charming an appraiser so he’ll lean our way and showing up at the door naked, carrying a cake with the price we need for the house written on it.

I’ve come up with four good, solid candidates for my next career:

1. Shrink – I really like to hear people’s life stories, and it’s definitely a bonus when they confess sordid secrets. That’s mostly what counselors do, right? Listen to juicy gossip? I would be so good at that. Plus, I regularly have to talk home buyers and sellers off a ledge when things have gone wrong, so I have loads of practical experience. Sure, I often do this by promising them cocktails if they calm down, but seeing as how it works, maybe it just means I’m really naturally talented.

2. Fixer – Jason’s been watching that show Ray Donovan about the guy who basically handles things when they get FUBARed for rich people. I only got through the first episode (it was a little heavy-handed for me), but I totally think I could do that. The job’s about brainstorming a positive and creative solution, right? It’s also about not being afraid to get your hands dirty. This is like exactly what I do! Sure, right now it’s more like figuring out why a spa won’t turn on the day before close of escrow or how to have a washer and dryer disposed of in the next 4 hours, but I bet these skills could be applied to cleaning up murders and managing reputations.

One time I made my husband drive to Sun Lakes, put four huge bags of rotting trash in my minivan and drive it across town to a friend’s dumpster in Tempe just to keep a buyer happy. I get credit for facilitating that, right?

3. Stalker – I know Stalkers don’t technically get paid, but I’m convinced there’s money in it. People could contract me to find email addresses and cell phone numbers for old girlfriends, relatives or anyone avoiding them. (Although that does sound potentially close to actually illegal, legitimate stalking. Whatevs.) I’m really talented at tracking people down, is all I’m saying. It’s about more than just The Google. It’s an art- nay, a passion.

Yesterday a lady called me off the sign on one of my listings looking for information on the house. Ten minutes later I discovered she’s a 22 year old British motocross racer currently living in Gilbert. Not because I needed to know that, just because I’m nosy and she had an email address that sounded maybe like she might be a dominatrix. I had to talk myself out of friending her on Facebook. She seems fun.

4. Nightclub Aerialist – This one also isn’t really a thing anywhere but in my own head, but don’t you think some fancy Scottsdale nightclubs and restaurants should have aerialists performing on silks instead of gogo dancers? It would be super cool, don’t you think?

I’ve been taking mixed media circus classes for the last month at a gym in North Scottsdale and I feel like I have found my true calling in life. I’m still working on developing the upper body strength to not suck, but I think it’s my dream job. While Googling ‘how to get a job as an aerialist’ I found this Oprah article that was obviously written specifically to inspire me. I may have an armpit burn from sliding down the silks and bruises behind my knees from hanging upside down in the hoop, but mark my words, I’m one class closer to quitting real estate to do this for the rest of my life:

You’re thinking I shouldn’t quit my day job, aren’t you? Possibly, but at least I have options.

*I just made that statistic up, but it’s probably true.