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5 Ways to Ruin Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is the clear winner of all holidays. It’s such an obvious fact, I don’t know why I would even need to present evidence, but just in case you’re not that bright:

FACT: You get a four day weekend.

FACT: You don’t have to buy any presents.

FACT: You’re not required to do any messy art projects (color eggs, carve pumpkins).

FACT: It’s an entire day devoted to cooking delicious, decadent food.

FACT: Day-drinking is practically a requirement.

FACT: The leftovers are almost better than the actual dinner.

FACT: Watching parades or movies in PJs (with cocktails) snuggled with kids while potatoes boil is maybe the most fantastic activity that ever existed.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.

Even though Thanksgiving is practically flawless as far as holidays are concerned, it is possible to mar its beauty. I’m here today, as a public service, to help you keep Thanksgiving pristine and fantastic. I want you to thoroughly enjoy your Thanksgiving as much as I will enjoy mine, so I’ve put together a list of things to avoid doing to keep from ruining Thanksgiving. It’s not long and if you’re conscientious you should have no problem getting the most out of the day.

How to Ruin Thanksgiving:

1. Make the green bean casserole with canned green beans.

See this angry mob? This is how your guests feel about your canned green beans ruining one of the best dishes of the meal. They feel violent. And violated. They’re getting lynchy. Would it really have been that much harder just to swap them out with fresh green beans? The answer is no. HELL NO.

2. Eat an entire pan of lemon bars before leaving for Thanksgiving dinner.

I know they’re almost irresistibly delicious, but try. You’re only going to ruin the rest of dinner for yourself (this is true of the entire can of crunchy onions for the green bean casserole, also).

3. Make that passive-aggressive joke everyone knows is just a nasty dig.

Yes, Grandpa’s girlfriend is young and pretty, but offering to get her a pick-axe with her meal is only going to make everyone feel awkward and you look like a jackass. Be nice to each other, people.

4. Play Christmas music at any point during Thanksgiving day.

In some states it’s a felony. Don’t do it.

5. Not have enough booze.

This is a Thanksgiving dinner with the proper amount of booze. Everyone’s getting along and having a lovely time.

This is your terrible Thanksgiving dinner with an insufficient amount of booze. Sally isn’t speaking to Jim because he’s the one who was supposed to go to Costco the day before and get beer and wine. Jim thinks Sally’s a naggy bitch. George brought up that time Dan stole his baseball card when they were kids and how that card would have been worth money now. Dan is tired of hearing George complain. Jennifer thinks they’re all assholes. Billy feels awkward.

Of course, over-serving can have it’s own issues, too. The results are still far preferable to the alternative.

See? It’s really not that hard to have a fantastic Thanksgiving. You’re welcome (and Happy Turkey Day!!!).

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