Someone messaged me yesterday he recommended me to a reporter who had asked him for a quote on real estate blogs. So of course, today I feel all kinds of pressure to write something brilliant about the real estate market. But the only thing I can come up with for real estate right now is:
Dear All Appraisers Everywhere,
I think there’s a condition you need to come back and check over the edge of that cliff right there. I’ll hold your safety line.
All the Agents, Loan Originators, Buyers and Sellers
And I’m not sure that counts as a blog post. Death threat, possibly.
Plus, I’ve learned my lesson about ‘coming up with something brilliant’. All attempts generally end in total inability to string together 5 words coherently. So instead, let’s talk about what I’m currently having a strong opinion about: Magic Mike.
Are you seriously acting shocked right now? Have you read this website before? OF COURSE I saw Magic Mike this weekend with 6 girlfriends and a tiny box of wine in my purse. And then the next day when I went to pick up bagels for the family for breakfast and realized I was still carrying around a half empty tiny box of wine in my purse I gave up all hope of ever being considered classy. (But for reals how great is the tiny Bota Box of Pinot Grigio with a screw cap that holds 3 glasses? It’s like they made it just for me. They should have named it The Elizabeth.)
So listen to this: I really liked the movie. I’m not saying it will win an Oscar for Most Deeply Moving and Important Film of Our Lifetime (or even this week) or anything, but I was sincerely entertained and feel like the ticket price was money well spent.
I know I don’t need to convince any of the ladies to see this movie. Even the excessively self-respecting ones have been regularly having dreams where Channing Tatum walks into the room and explains they have amnesia but he’s their fiancé and then takes off his shirt, does one of those ab body rolls and grins. Anyone who tells you she hasn’t is a filthy liar.
The men, however, are treating this movie like the ‘Gay Tests’ of Junior High School. “There’s something on your shoe. OH DUDE LOOK! He just looked at the bottom of his shoe from over his shoulder instead of picking it up in the front! HE’S TOTALLY GAY, IT’S A SCIENTIFIC FACT!” And only a gay man would set foot in a theater playing Magic Mike, right?
I assert this is silly. Sure, it’s a movie about male strippers starring a bunch of hot guys with super nice bodies and awesome dancing skills and fantastic smiles… I’m sorry, what was I talking about? Oh, right, but I think it actually has plenty to offer a hetero male viewer as well. And I feel like someone needs to convince them all to go see it so we can appreciate the fabulousness that is Magic Mike together as a whole community. Thus:
Five Reasons For Straight Men to Go See Magic Mike:
1. Olivia Munn is fully topless like 10 seconds into the movie. In fact, it took me a second to realize it was Olivia Munn because the shot started on her boobs and it was hard to pry my eyes up to her face. But be advised straight men: this happens directly after a long shot of Channing Tatum’s ass. You’ll be tempted to look away, but if you do, you might miss Olivia. Stick with it (this post has really gone to a dark place and I sort of feel like I’m on a rollercoaster I can’t get off. I just have to ride it till it’s done.).
2. The writing is actually super witty. The guys have a sort of post-game locker room vibe when they’re not on stage that’s pretty awesome and hilarious. If they were taping their knees instead of stitching gold thongs it could almost be a movie about football.
3. Matthew McConaughey’s strip club owner is a caricature reminiscent of his Dazed and Confused role. Every time he says ‘Alright alright alright’ and plays the bongos you can’t help but love him just a little bit more for how freely and completely invested he is in mocking himself. Which brings me to…
4. This movie isn’t taking itself seriously for one second. Magic Mike knows it’s silly and ridiculous. Magic Mike isn’t trying too hard to be gritty and realistic and it’s not completely cheesed out on the dance numbers and sexy shows. It’s a fluffy, delicious combination of glimpse behind the shiny black curtain of the world of body oil and rip-off pants and a parody of it. It’s like Marshmallow Fluff, probably without actual nutritional value, but damn if it’s not enjoyable straight from the jar.
5. There’s a tiny pig who couldn’t be weirder or cuter. And he eats vomit. So… just for a bit of bizarre, how can you miss that?
You’re gonna like it. Just go see it and then email me and let me know how right I was. Because those words make me happy.