The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

The Guide to Social Networking Sites According to Your Outfit

As I am a veritable bastion of knowledge, people often ask me things*. So I’ve decided to start an occasional advice column.

Dear Real Estate Tangent,

I was watching Jimmy Kimmel the other night and he just kept mentioning how huge this whole ‘social media’ thing is. Plus my grandma asked me the other day why she isn’t able to ‘friend’ me online. I’m not really a ‘tech-savvy’ person, but I feel like maybe it’s time for me to get involved in this whole internet networking thing. But here’s the problem; once I decided to join up, I realized there are like a billion of these social media networking websites! Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, Instagram? How should I know which to join? Where will I fit in? I feel like I’m having an identity crisis just trying to understand what Google+ is!

Sincerely,

Late to the party

Aw, Late, you’re pretty cute. I’m aware there are people like you out there, but every time I meet one of you who doesn’t ‘have the facebook’ I just kind of want to pinch your cheeks.

But hey, listen, I can totally help! In fact, the solution is pretty easy and I’ve even created a little visual guide for you to follow.

The first step is to go into the bathroom right now and stand in front of the full-length mirror. Try to observe yourself objectively. Now, just choose which one of these most closely resembles what you’re wearing:

1. Are you sporting a t-shirt that could either be interpreted as ironic or non-ironically ironic? Do you have on anything that could possibly be seen as hipster? Is there a superior look on your face because you ‘get it’ even though most everyone else does not?

If so, you belong at Twitter! Soon you’ll be Chatting and Retweeting and Favoriting like crazy, with that smug smile firmly in place because you’re one of those who knows Twitter is where people are truly authentic (mostly because they know their Aunt Gina and their high school boyfriend probably aren’t reading everything they say).

2. Are you wearing a calf-length vintage skirt and a tanktop made of bamboo and dyed with vegetable dyes? Did you accessorize it with your grandmother’s pearl necklace adorned with a charm you made yourself? Do you have an apron over the whole thing because you’ve got special, gluten-free, two-ingredient snacks baking in the oven for your kids? Is your hair braided to the side and up the back in a Katniss-style you learned from watching a video on YouTube?

Congratulations, you belong at Pinterest! There you can find all kinds of other crafts and recipes and design ideas! In no time at all you’ll have an inferiority complex the size of Peru and be crippled by Too-Many-Ideas-Can’t-Start-A-Single-Project syndrome. Best of luck to you.

3. Are you wearing a businessy-type suit with dark lipstick and inexplicably tall heels**? Do people often remark on how ‘professional’ and ‘appropriate’ you are? When you stub your toe, do you hold in the ‘FUCK’ bursting to get out and instead mutter, ‘darn it’?

You definitely belong at LinkedIn. I don’t really know what they do over there, but I’m pretty sure it involves clean, professional language and I think stocks and bonds are involved. Or at the very least the online version of the Wall Street Journal. So… have… fun?

4. Are you wearing yoga pants that may or may not have been washed in the last week and a t-shirt that has holes in the bottom from leaning against the granite counter in your kitchen? Is your hair on it’s third day of not washing and you’re telling yourself it’s because you’re ‘training it’ to produce less oil but it’s really because you’ve been too lazy to get it wet and then have to dry it? Are you clutching a wine glass that holds half a bottle of wine if you fill it all the way to the top?

Yay! You belong at Facebook! But here’s the thing to remember; even though you actually look like the picture above, if you’re going to come to Facebook you must remember to project the idea that you look like the picture below at all times:

Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it pretty quick. Everyone does.

5. Are you wearing an outfit you spent more than 25 minutes picking out this morning? Do you have the perfect accessories to tie the whole thing together? Could your shoes be described as ‘dramatic’? Did you just take a selfie to complete this quiz?

Oh, yes, my dear. You definitely belong on Instagram. Before you joined Instagram your outfits were almost wasted on the general public, but now you have a forum! The whole world can appreciate just how that one necklace really pulled that otherwise unremarkable outfit together. You’ve come home.

6. Are you wearing anything even close to this?

You, sweetheart, will fit in just fine over at MySpace. I have not a fucking clue what they do over there or how it works, but I’m pretty sure it’s wacky and vaguely NSFW.

7. Or… are you wearing a Snuggie?

Yes, darling, there’s even a place for you. Goodreads is where you want to land. It’s safe and warm and inviting over there for book-lovers of all sorts. If you’re single you might even connect with a blue-Snuggie wearing guy who likes to read Stephen King, too. Do they make two person Snuggies? They probably should.

So! That’s my guide to which social media site you should join based on what you’re wearing. I hope it was helpful. Send all your requests for advice to Homes@ElizabethNewlin.com.

PS – No one understands what Google+ is. So don’t actually even let that worry your pretty little head.

*Nope. They don’t. Just making shit up here.

**Dear Business Ladies, What is up with the inordinately slutty shoes you regularly pair with frumpy business suits? Is it an attempt to reclaim your femininity while fitting in in what has typically been a man’s world? How about just taking the shoulder pads out of your jackets? Or better yet, don’t wear suits, just wear cute outfits and act professionally. I feel like that would work and be less weird than dressing like a man from your knees to your neck and a stripper from your calves down.

14 Responses to The Guide to Social Networking Sites According to Your Outfit

  1. I <3, approve of, and agree with everything you've said in this post. Well done, Liz! :)

  2. Good call on the sexy heels thing. That has always weirded me out.

  3. While I don’t wear ill-fitting suits to work, you can be darn sure I wear a lot of dresses and heels. I don’t think it is as much for reclaiming my feminity as the urge to wear pretty shoes and wear them as much as possible, regardless of the venue. Also – shoes fit regardless of how much weight you gain sitting in your cube all day, making your clothing ill-fitting. You know that those shoes are still going to look killer for your bottom half while you are suffering from a large case of dunlop syndrome.

    • I guess I can understand wanting CUTE tall shoes (obviously, I love my stripey platforms). I just think the super spiked, nothing interesting about them except they are tall paired with biz suits are incredibly odd.

  4. You’re very spot on about the shoes. I see some slutty assed shoes in professional settings and it just confuses me. A lot.

    Also, I am not nobody. I am Andrea. And I totally understand Google+. It is my happy place. It is where I have calm and rational conversations about reasonable topics that don’t involve people simply posting poorly fact checked info graphic meme thingers that spark a lot of yelling and pigheadedness. It’s civilized over there. And, dare I say, smart? Yes, I dare. It’s smart. I like the smart.

    • I knew I was going to get backlash on the Google+. The people who like it, like REALLY like it. I don’t know. I just don’t feel like there’s anyone on there who’s not on Facebook or twitter, and MOST of my FB/twitter friends aren’t on G+, so it’s not like I can switch to there. It’s not for me, so far. But I’m not saying it won’t get there.

  5. What, nobody it going to call her out for owning a snuggie?

    • Yes, that was a lovely Mother’s Day gift a few years ago. I’m pretty sure Jason took the kids to Walgreens and told them to pick something.

  6. This is brilliant. I do want to say though:

    1) I do genuinely heart boxed wine (Bota Box)
    2) You clearly actually own a snuggie. Just sayin’

    • Oh I am with you on the love of boxed wine. My shirt is absolutely of the ironically non-ironic variety.

  7. Spot on!

  8. Fantastic post! And what a fun way to play dress-up. I have one more social network to suggest: Google Plus. Outfit should be a vintage dress and some zombie make-up, ghost-town like. :)

  9. Preach!!!

    (Also, seriously, how do people use Google+??)

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