Remember when I was all: I’m gonna blog every day this week!
That was obviously a lie, so stop being such a sucker. Geez. I like totally have a life and no time for that shit. (<- That was also a lie. I got super sucked into Orange is the New Black and now I sort of want to go to prison so Laura Prepon can be my girlfriend because I totally love her.)
So listen to this:
Last week one of my Facebook friends posted about how there was this ‘super secret’ Toms warehouse sale in Tempe. I don’t actually own any pairs of Toms because I’m real picky about my shoes and stick mainly to flipflops and cowboy boots, but my BFF has a cute pair of Toms wedges she wears all the time and says they’re really comfortable that I wouldn’t mind owning. Plus, like the good little consumer I am, I just adore a chance to spend money on stuff that usually costs more, even if I don’t really need or want it.
The point is, Saturday morning, I ended up driving to an industrial section of Tempe with my mother and sister (who are both sincerely loyal Toms wearers. My mom says the fake Toms they sell at Target give her blisters and she can only wear the real ones. I’m pretty sure her feet are so sensitive they can feel the social injustice of buying shoes that haven’t resulted in the donation of another pair of shoes to an orphan in a third world country) to find a mysterious warehouse sale.
This is what I learned:
1. ‘Super secret warehouse sale’ actually means: Every armchair social activist hipster in metro Phoenix between the ages of 12 and 65 will be there.
2. I’m fairly certain the hand-painted sign and an unairconditioned warehouse were only present to lend an air of authenticity to the idea that we were ‘getting a deal’. This experience is miserable and we’re totally suffering, so we MUST be getting an insane bargain!
3. When you’re at the back of the line and you hear you ‘get a special bracelet’ for wearing Toms to the sale at the front of the line, be aware it’s not a bracelet redeemable for a free drink at the super secret bar inside or anything. It’s just a tag to let the security know you don’t have to pay for the shoes on your feet. It’s embarrassing when you ask, “What do I get for this?” and the kid says, “… not tackled by security.”
4. This sign:
isn’t an informative announcement that no shoes are displayed in the bathrooms, it’s a declaration that you are not allowed to bring shoes you don’t own into the potty. Take my word for it (and it’s a bad idea to peek in just to make sure).
5. Wearing workout clothes to events like this is actually a genius idea because then you can just pretend you’re in a sauna while you’re standing in line and it was your goal to sweat out the impurities in your body while you shop all along. In fact, I’ve decided I’m just going to wear workout clothes everywhere all summer from now on. Sweat seems so much less gross in workout clothes.
6. Size 6.5 is the most common shoe size for women.
7. I used to think the most irritating and offensive thing on the planet was helping my son with geometry, but it turns out the actual most irritating and offensive thing on the planet is sweatily digging through giant boxes of the leftover, unattractive styles of shoes (like black velvet wedges and cantaloupe colored flats), only to find ONE SINGLE super adorable denim acid washed wedge in size 6.5… without finding the mate. And then spend the next 45 minutes digging through every box in the entire warehouse trying desperately to find the right shoe to the left you’re clinging to, only to find one other adorable tan and white tie-dye size 6.5 among the sea of ugly and incorrectly sized shoes THAT IS ALSO WITHOUT IT’S RIGHT MATE. I can only assume some asshole pirate (with excellent taste) bought only the right shoes of both of these pairs and left the left out of spite because she knew it would make someone completely insane.
8. It doesn’t matter how cute a pair of shoes I buy for my middle son, he will utterly detest them simply because they aren’t the ones on his feet currently. Even though he actually literally cried the first time I forced him to wear that particular pair.
9. But hey, it turns out Toms makes cute sunglass, so at least I got something out of the whole thing:
Plus I’m pretty sure this means they donated a cute pair of sunnies to someone who can’t afford to buy cute sunnies in another country, too. I’m such a good person.