Me: It’s going to be a good run today, I can tell. Let’s pick up the pace a little bit.
Also Me: Um, the music’s not working. What’s wrong with Pandora? Why isn’t the music playing?
Me: Verizon hasn’t figured out how to get a cell tower to reach out to the barren wilderness of NorthEast Mesa. It’s ok, we can run without music. We’ll just think about stuff.
Also Me: Like what?
Me: Like… Christmas. The cards might be delivered today. We could start stuffing them tonight.
Also Me: Oh the cards you had to reorder because you’re a dumbass and didn’t realized they’d be too small to fit the calendars you also send?
Me: Yes, it’s completely my fault.
Also Me: Hey, I wanted to skip cards altogether this year.
Me: Because you’re lazy. Let’s not think about cards.
Also Me: OK, do you want to think about the gifts you decided to make instead of buy this year, of which you’ve only completed HALF OF ONE and it took you most of last weekend?
Me: But the one I’ve made is so pretty!
Also Me: HALF of one. When do you plan to find the time to make six and a half more before Christmas?
Me: I don’t want to think about this anymore.
MapMyRunGirl: Distance, 1 mile. Time, 10 minutes, 11 seconds. Split pace, 10 minutes, 11 seconds.
Also Me: WHAT THE FUCK???! We’ve been running super hard and we’re going that fucking slow? This is bullshit. This hurts and there’s no music and I don’t want to talk to you anymore and we still have three more slow fucking miles left. I don’t want to do this today!
Me: You think I like talking to you? You’re the goddamn worst! You can’t even maintain a positive attitude for a 40 minute run that you know as well as I do we’ll just feel better about life and ourselves and everything after we complete! All you do is bitch and moan. Just put your head down and keep going, for chrissake.
Also Me: *silence*
Me: Oh now you’re not speaking to me? Good. Fuck you.
Pandora: *I love you like a love song, baby*
Me: The music is back! See, it’s going to be fine. We just need to keep going, even if it’s slow-
Also Me: AND NOW IT’S GONE AGAIN.
Me: God, it’s almost worse that it just came back for 30 seconds. What a fucking tease Pandora is.
Also Me: FUCK THIS. I can’t do it today. We’re walking. WE’RE WALKING.
Me: Seriously? After a mile and a half we’re walking? What?
Also Me: You’re not in charge today. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I refuse to run 4 miles today.
Me: This is pathetic. I hate you so much.
Also Me: I… I’m sorry. No really. I know this ruined your day, but I just, really really really didn’t want to.
Me: Like really, who even are we that we can’t get through four slow miles when it’s 61 degrees out? We’re worthless. This is so humiliating I’ll have to turn off the auto-post to Facebook on MapMyRun.
Also Me: You’re going to tell it not to post? Isn’t it kind of inauthentic to only post when you have a good run? Are you going to start pausing the app at stoplights, too?
Me: Oh now you have ethics?
Also Me: I’m just saying.
Also Me: We can do pull-ups when we get home if you want…
Me: Whatever. We’ll probably do two and you’ll start bitching about them too.
Also Me: Uh, well, I mean… if you don’t want to, we don’t have to. We can save our strength for San Francisco. Taking all those circus classes in just a few days is going to be extremely taxing. We should probably be tapering anyway.
Me: You’re ridiculous. I give up.
Also Me: You do? Because I really think we need new sunglasses for the trip. And also new star tights. They probably have them at that store over in Tempe. We could get a burger from Five Guys on the way.
Me: Why the fuck not?
Also Me: Can we eat marshmallows for breakfast and then take a bubble bath?
Me: Sounds good.