Tell me this doesn’t only happen to me. Please?
Client: Hey! So I think we’re finally ready to start looking at some houses this weekend! We’ve just been really busy the last couple of months, but now I think we’re ready to pull the trigger. When can you fit us in this weekend?
Me (in my head): Oh shit. Of course you’re ready to start this weekend. When I have a dance performance I’m responsible to participate in from 9AM to 10PM Saturday and 10AM to 4PM Sunday, plus it’s my kid’s 9th birthday Sunday, so at any point I’m not dancing, I will be overcompensating with birthday breakfast and movies and dinner for sort of mostly ruining his birthday.
Me (out loud): Um… I’m usually super flexible on weekends and save most of my time for showings. Unfortunately, this weekend I’m booked. I have this dance recital thing…
Client: Your kids are in a dance recital?
Me (out loud): No, I have boys who don’t dance. I’m actually the one in the show.
Me (to Myself in my head): You realize you’re a ridiculous human being, right? Your adult beginning ballet recital is getting in the way of you making a living. I mean, who are you? I’m embarrassed for you.
Myself (back to Me in my head): OK, I know. I KNOW. It’s silly. But what do you want me to do? I’ve committed to this dance show and I’ve spent NINE WEEKS in hours and hours of night and weekend rehearsals. And although I’m not a big part of either of my pieces, it would wreck the formations if I wasn’t in them now. It’s not like I can back out. And I need to be at all of the show day rehearsals so I know what the hell I’m doing and don’t humiliate myself even more than necessary!
Me (back to Myself in my head): I get it. You’ve really wedged your ridiculous self into a corner here, as usual. I’m just saying.
Client: Oh! Well… I mean we could just maybe narrow it to the two we most want to see?
Me (in my head): Fuck. I can’t not make time to show a new client TWO houses. They don’t know me yet! They don’t trust that I’ll drop everything whenever possible to show them houses they want to see. They’re going to think they’re not a priority to me. They’re going to think I have too much other stuff going on to be a good agent to them.
Me (out loud): OK, send me what you want to see and I will look at the schedule and figure out the largest block of time when it looks like I’m not needed and sneak out. Is that OK?
Client: Yes. Thanks for making time for us!
Me (out loud): No, thank you for working around my schedule and being understanding.
Me (in my head): Very professional, you idiot.
At the showings Saturday –
Me (out loud): I’m sorry neither of these were any good. I am totally available after this weekend to see the rest you want to see. Like evenings this week or all day next Saturday, I’m totally free!
Client: Well, we have family in from out of town Saturday… maybe Sunday?
Me (out loud): Sure!
Me (in my head): Oh wait!! Shit. I’m flying the kids to Dallas to visit their grandma all day Sunday…
Me (out loud, quietly): Actually… Sunday might be a problem…
Client: I’ll call you this week.
Client: Hey! So I have a bunch of houses I want to see tomorrow night.
Me (in my head): Ah yes, the night many 13 year old boys will descend upon my house for my oldest son’s 13th birthday party. It’s not even like any of these scheduling issues were appointments with other clients. They just happen to all be personal and family stuff. AUGH. I literally cannot say the words, “I can’t show you houses because it’s my son’s birthday party,” to them. Those words no longer exist in my mouth. I just can’t do it.
Me (out loud): OK, great! Send over what you want to see!
Me (to Myself in my head): Ah yes, I see you’ve discovered the secret to cloning. This should go well.
Client: Great! See you then.
Myself (back to Me in my head): Shut up, shut up, shut up. I WILL FIGURE IT OUT. I CAN DO IT ALL.