The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Runner’s Low

Have you ever set your alarm for 5:30AM to go for a run and when it goes off, turned it off and go back to sleep because it hasn’t been that hot out this week and you didn’t have any appointments scheduled for the day so you figured you could just run while all the kids were in school?

And then when you left for the run about 10AM, decide you’ve been wussy lately and doing the same 4 mile loop over and over, so what you should really do today is the 5.5 mile loop that starts straight uphill for the first 2 miles?

But during the run feel preoccupied with things you need to handle about work and then start thinking about your running form and whether you’re doing it right and realize you’re probably totally not? And then get a stitch in your side from running uphill and realize your ankle is sort of hurting and you’re feeling a little nauseous from the toast you ate for breakfast? And then you ask yourself, WHY? Why with all this running? Just because I want to be skinny? Maybe I should just eat less and not put myself through this misery all the time. That might be a smarter plan. Until finally all you can think about is how you DON’T WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW?

So then at exactly 2.5 miles into a 5.5 mile loop YOU TOTALLY FUCKING BAIL like the losery-est loser who was ever born? And you turn around because you’ve done the math and you know it’s half a measly mile shorter than completing the intended route and you’re just. that. pathetic? Plus you totally abort your MapMyRun app and delete the data so it doesn’t post because the entire thing is even more embarrassing than just not even going running at all?

So at that point you’re left to walk 2.5 miles back to your house on the side of the road? And it’s not like you can even just pretend you’re out for an intentional stroll because you’re wearing your tiny, lime green running shorts and florescent orange running shoes that only a crazy person would wear to do anything but run in?

And you consider hitchhiking, but then you’d have to make up some story about how you were out running and you got an urgent text that said you’re needed at home because your kid fell at school during recess and broke his arm and you have to go get him right now! (because it would be too humiliating to tell anyone the truth) and then the person who picked you up would be like, OK, but your story doesn’t make a ton of sense because why are you walking right now? Wouldn’t it actually have been faster for you to continue running while you’re hitchhiking to get home in the quickest amount of time? And you’d be caught and have to confess the whole thing and she probably wouldn’t want to drive you home after you’d lied and everything?

So you just walk and walk, in your day-glo running outfit, on the side of the road… until finally you realize you feel better and your stitch is gone and your ankle is fine and you’re not nauseous and you might as well start running a little bit again, if only because it’s taking forever to walk home? So you run the last mile and a half-ish home and hate yourself even more because if you’d just sucked it the eff up you could have totally gotten through the entire run and you wouldn’t have to be dealing with all of this self-loathing and regret right now?

No? Just me? Yeah. I guess I can see that.


9 Responses to Runner’s Low

  1. Not. Just. You.


  2. I think your sister just unfriended you on Facebook.

  3. I’ve been there, sad to say. Although I think my lowest point was falling on my ass off my bike by stupidly riding into mud that was too deep, then starting to walk my bike home in shame, then realizing how far it was, that I wasn’t really hurt that bad, so I might as well suck it up and ride. Completely covered in mud with blood trickling down one leg. I am awesome.

  4. I call those days Tuesday. Sometimes Wednesday too.

  5. If you still went it’s a victory. I think you are too hard on yourself.

  6. This is hilarious. I think everyone has runs like this from time to time.

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