Please tell me this is how you taught your kid to read, too…
Me Out Loud: OK, now it’s your turn to read. Start here.
Gray: Curtis stopped and gapped-
Me Out Loud: Gaped.
Gray: Gaped. *continues reading*
Me Internal Dialog: Is that my phone buzzing? Fuck, I totally I think I just heard my phone buzz. I wonder if it’s that agent calling about the roof issue… or maybe it’s the roofer I called twice who didn’t call me back. I need to remember to take him off my referral list. What if it’s something urgent? Ignore it, ignore it… first of all it’s probably just Facebook. Secondly, anything it is can wait until I’m done. I don’t want him to think I’m not paying attention. Wait, what did he just say?
Gray: …the first tree of the… bouflerzelsly?
Me Out Loud: Boundary.
Gray: Boundary. *continues reading*
Me Internal Dialog: Bouflerzelsy?? Seriously? Z and L are not letters that exist in the word ‘boundary’. Is he even trying? Or is he just screwing with me? We’ve been over the concept of ‘sounding out’ the word roughly 800 billion times. If he’s just going to look at the first letter and the last letter and guess a random configuration of sounds, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Maybe I should ground him. Or maybe I should make him repeat the word back to me while looking at it like 10 times. That could help, right? Jesus, who am I, Mommy Dearest? It’s possible I’m being too hard on the kid. How do the teachers do this? How do you know the difference between when he really should just be trying harder and when you’re acting like a psychotic dictator?
Me Out Loud: Um, you’re doing great! Keep going.
Me Internal Dialog: See, I can be supportive- FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST WHAT IS THAT SOUND?! Is that Jonas in the back yard? It sounds like he’s throwing rocks against the side of the house! That little shithead! Oh I am going to-
Me Out Loud: Hold on just a second, sweetie. JONAS FINN NEWLIN!!!
Me Out Loud: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me Out Loud: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING BUT IF YOU DON’T STOP IT RIGHT THIS SECOND I’M GOING TO BURY YOUR KINDLE FIRE IN THE BACK YARD AND YOU’LL NEVER PLAY MINECRAFT AGAIN. I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING.
Jonas: OK! Sorry!
Me Out Loud: Sorry, dear, continue.
Gray: This is a really long chapter.
Me Out Loud: I know… there’s only three pages left. And look, one even has a picture!
Gray: I’m really tired.
Me Out Loud: I am too, but we just need to get through this. We can do this. We can push through. We just need to work together and put our heads down and muscle through. It’s only three more pages and then we’re done for the rest of the day! The rest of the whole day! We can go jump on the trampoline!
Gray: Will you jump with me? You didn’t jump with me yesterday.
Me Out Loud: Yes. Probably. I’m going to try. I just have things I need to do.
Me Internal Dialog: MY FUCKING PHONE IS BUZZING AGAIN. What if someone needs to see a house? What if someone tagged me on something really funny? AUGH.
Me Out Loud: You’re changing the subject. WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS. Please just keep reading? Please? Right here, start right here.
Me Internal Dialog: OhmygodIjustreallyneedaglassofwine.
Gray: The gralp began to gerfzly slop and she was gaspering speed-
Me Internal Dialog: He is DEFINITELY fucking with me! He can see the weakness on my face. He knows I’m just too emotionally drained to get through this. He knows he has me beat. I give up. I can’t do it anymore. I’m just going to hire a reader to walk around with him for the rest of his life. It will be less torturous than this.
Me Out Loud: That was actually, ‘The ground began to gently slope and she was gathering speed’. Let’s just pick this back up tomorrow. Go jump on the trampoline.
Gray: Yay! Are you coming?
Me Out Loud: Right after I check my phone.
Me Internal Dialog: And eat peanut butter straight from the jar while I cry for awhile.