My relationship with Life of Pi
Everyone I know: You haven’t read Life of Pi? You totally need to. It’s so good and you will love it so much.
Me: I dunno. Sounds boring. Sometimes you like boring stuff. Remember That awful Eat, Pray, Love? You talked me into that and it was more like Sleep, Die of Boredom, Put a Gun in My Mouth.
Everyone I know: For reals, I promise, you’ll like it.
Me: Alright, I’ll give it a try.
Me (after reading Life of Pi): That was so amazing!! I totally loved that book! Everyone has to read this book! You haven’t read it? You totally need to read it. And you and you and you!!
Me (five years later, when the movie of Life of Pi is being released): Meh. Looks boring. What was that book about? I remember that I liked it, but I can’t remember why. Was there a talking tiger in it?
Everyone who’s read it: The tiger doesn’t talk.
Me: Boo. Don’t want to see it.
It’s like really messed up when a song has a peppy, fun beat but gross violent lyrics and you don’t realize it until you’re singing along loudly and cheerfully and have an epiphany that it’s about child porn and murder. Right?
Yesterday I went for a long run (7 miles, FTW!) and I was listening to Pandora (the ‘Fun.’ station if you have to know. Yes I realize it’s way cooler to be backlashy about Fun. right now but I don’t care because I like them and they make me happy) and that song ‘Pumped up Kicks’ by Foster the People came on. I was jogging along sort of jamming to the tune, in the zone, when I realized the words I was singing were, ‘All the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run, better run, faster than my gun.’ GUN. Like someone’s shooting kids? Gross.
So then I started thinking about someone chasing people and shooting them and what would happen if I randomly got shot while I was out jogging. Would someone find me and call 911 or would coyotes just eat my rotting carcass? Would my kids have the sense to call their father when I didn’t come home in a timely manner? Would I just wake up in the hospital a victim of random violence? Or maybe it wasn’t random? Maybe there’s someone with a reason to want to shoot me?
After that I spent literally the entire rest of the run (which was a long time because it was SEVEN MILES and I’m real slow) coming up with an elaborate story about someone who would want to shoot me and how they would be arrested and I would have a gunshot wound scar that would be really hardcore and cool and I would have to testify in court and it would all be very dramatic.
I blame bands for not making their music match the lyrics. It should be a law.
Yesterday I was paying our credit card bill and I was scrolling through charges (which I never do) and I saw that one was pending for 1-800-Flowers. Since I did not order any flowers, I knew this could only be for one of three reasons:
1. Jason bought me flowers for no reason but to be nice.
2. Jason bought someone else flowers.
3. Our credit card number had been stolen.
Obviously I didn’t really want to call Jason and ask him about the charge just in case it was option one. But, I didn’t want to do nothing in either of cases two or three. So I decided to wait it out a couple of days and see what happened.
Today I went to lunch with a BFF, Amanda. When I told her the whole story, she was skeptical.
Me: So what would you do?
Amanda: Well, you know that’s how they steal your card number. They charge something innocuous and then if it goes through they charge more stuff. That’s happened to us before.
Me: Really? But maybe he really just wanted to randomly send me flowers?
Amanda (eyebrow raised): He could pick them up at the grocery store. And when has he done that?
Me: True… and maybe once before. In almost 11 years. But he did once! And I don’t want to ruin it if it is him.
Amanda: Well, you can usually dispute that for awhile on your credit card if it is fraud. You could give it a couple of days.
Me: Yeah. I might call the card company anyway. Now I’m thinking it might not be really likely.
Me to the card lady: So… here’s the thing; I saw a charge for a flower company on my card, but I don’t know if it’s my husband sending me flowers as a surprise for no reason or someone stole my credit card number. Is there anyway for you to check if it’s fraudulent?
Card lady: Um… no ma’am. (Clearly thinking my husband’s probably cheating on me.) But if you discover it’s fraud you’re 100% protected.
Me: Ok… I’ll just give it a few days.
Literally 15 seconds after I hang up with the card lady – *Doorbell ring*
Delivery man: I have a delivery from 1-800-Flowers for Elizabeth Newlin.
Me in text, to Jason 10 minutes later: The flowers are really pretty and I love them. I’m so glad you were sending me flowers and it wasn’t just our credit card being stolen.
Jason: This, THIS, is why men don’t just randomly send flowers. It’s just not worth the goddamn hassle.