The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Public Purse Excavation

Yesterday for like a minute and a half I thought I lost my phone. It was terrifying. I felt naked and afraid (not to be confused with the upcoming reality show on the Discovery Channel, Naked and Afraid). But it turned out my precioussss was just buried deep within my purse.

That’s when I decided the purse probably needed a small amount of reorganizing. Of course, what it actually needed was the crew from Hoarders to come have an intervention. The process of pulling everything out and going through it felt sort of like an archeological expedition, so I decided to document and tag the layers of debris and artifacts for the purposes of serious scientific research.

Exterior shot of the excavation:

Initial findings:

Layer 1:

1. Power cord.

2. iPhone

3. Lockbox eKEY.

4. Mini flashlight.

5. Laser measuring tool.

6. Giant handful of keys/keychains, including the set I used when I was 16 that my mom found and gave to me recently and I keep meaning to put away in my box-of-shit-to-save-just-because, which consisted of a glittery wand, a ‘Lefty!’ sign and a gold engraved ‘Mini’ circle.

7. Wallet.

8. Yogurt for this morning’s breakfast (because, yes, I’m actually doing this at my office… where I don’t really know anyone, because it’s totally not weird to dump your purse out on your desk and take pictures of what you find).

9. Spoon for the yogurt, natch.

10. Emergency backup granola bar for if I ever get stranded in the desert with nothing to eat, or there’s a zombie apocalypse, or I’m showing property and don’t have time to stop for lunch.

11. To-do list notepad.

Layer 2:

1. Unopened mail marked ‘time sensitive’.

2. Birthday gift certificate to get a facial from my Aunt Marybeth.

3. Three checkbooks, two of which are empty, all to the same account.

4. My Ignite Phoenix speaker lanyard name tag, because just in case anyone wants me to do a five minute speech on trapeze, I want to be prepared.

5. An angry birds sticker from last time we went to the pediatrician (I was a good girl).

6. An at home facial sample a friend sent me I keep meaning to test out (is my purse trying to tell me my face needs work?).

7. My special ‘stay in your ears’ headphones for running.

8. The hairband I can never find when I need it.

9. The case for my laser measuring tool (not housing the laser, of course).

10. Gum. Because I don’t chew gum and haven’t since I was 15 and figured out I have TMJ and chewing gum makes it significantly worse.

11. Contact solution.

12. An uncashed check from my sister for $215, which is super weird because I just wrote a check to my sister-in-law for $215 yesterday, so I feel like I should have just had my sister write the check to my sister-in-law and life would have been so much more simple. Or possibly I’m overthinking.

13. A rewards card to the music store I buy my kid’s clarinet reeds from.

14. SIX pens. SIX. And two of them are black!! Where did these black pens come from and where do they go when I really need to sign a serious work document and can only find pink?

Layer 3:

1. $50 in emergency cash, just in case I ever need to go on the lam.

2. Four tampons, because I heard they’re important to have on hand in case someone gets shot.

3. A small cosmetic case holding only a random container of brown eye shadow I’ve never used.

4. Another spoon. Hrm… That’s where they keep going apparently.

5. A beer bottle cap I confiscated from Jonas that he was collecting at a party. He didn’t want me to throw it away.

6. Dance shoes.

7. Six containers of lip gloss to go with my six pens. Because one can never have too shiny lips.

8. The key fob for my office that I spent 7 minutes looking for this morning until someone took pity on me and just let me in.

9. The half of a broken corkscrew I meant to return to AJ’s 8 months ago (which clarifies why I keep getting searched at airport security).

10. Unidentified medicine… for if I feel bad in an unidentifiable manner?

11. The headband I wish looked cute on me but super-a-lot doesn’t.

12. The stylus for a Nintendo DS I’m saving for a moment when we’re on a long drive and the kids need one and I can pull it out and pretend I’m The Most Amazing Mom On The Planet.

13. Hand sanitizer (AKA: hanitizer) I never use because I’m totally not one of those people.

14. The business card for the psychic I went to on my birthday who told me I do my eyeliner wrong and a bunch of other really mean things about how I’ll never be happy. Because I’m definitely going back to her.

Layer 4:

An enormous pile of receipts, grocery lists, business cards, torn up checks, coupons I never used, and other random trash.

I’m pretty sure this is all a metaphor for my life, or the inside of my head, or something, but I’m honestly too tired after all of that to self-reflect. I need a nap.

8 Responses to Public Purse Excavation

  1. I’m pretty sure you’re making this up because I know how big that purse is, and all that stuff won’t fit in it. You must have stored some of it in your cheeks, like a squirrel, or maybe in your pockets?

    • Nope, I swear. Everything was in my purse and I didn’t leave anything undocumented.

  2. can I just ignore everything else and talk about how much i like your bag? Orla Kiely?

  3. What the hell is a “checkbook”?

  4. My purse is in desparate need of an excavation, but I’m scared, mostly of that bottom layer. So many wrinkly pieces of paper! I don’t want to know what they are. I keep trying to determine if a bigger, smaller, or more pocket-y purse would help the situation, but I think that’s really just justification for buying a new purse.

  5. what are you doing? Get rid of that lock box key and go get the keyfob for iphone now!! its like an extra $1 a month and 100x better

  6. Two things:

    I can’t believe all that stuff fit in that purse.
    And I feel much better about the state of my purse now.

    Thank you, Elizabeth.

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