21 inane things I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about:
1. Where would I loot first if there was a zombie, alien or vampire apocalypse; Chandler Mall or Scottsdale Fashion Square?
2. How much wine is too much? Is there such a thing?
3. What will the dress look like that I wear when I win an academy award for best screenplay adapted from the novel I wrote?
4. Do I still look on the youngish side or is that just wishful thinking?
5. Is the fact that my husband never gets jealous about anything because he’s not really that into me or because he’s just a more evolved and understanding human being?
6. Why do famous people never get stretch marks when they’re pregnant?
7. Can my neighbors hear everything that’s going on in my house or just the really loud stuff?
8. How does Facebook pick the people who show up in the chat feature on the side of the page? Is it people who I’m stalking or people who are stalking me?
9. Is there any chance anyone can read minds and hear what I’m thinking about right now?
10. Will the aspartame in Diet Coke eventually give me cancer and I’ll look like a total asshole for drinking it wantonly for all these years?
11. Is the reason Jason didn’t just answer his phone when I just called because he got into a car accident on the way home from work?
12. Why did Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell never get married? Is it really because they don’t believe in the institution of marriage or do they have some kind of wacky open relationship? Or is one of them sort of still keeping her eye open for something better to come along?
13. Can I get away with a dark lip or does it look whorey on me?
14. If I was Alicia Florrick I would probably forgive Peter because Chris Noth is still really hot for as old as he is and all powerful and political and he seems pretty sorry.
15. How many miles would I have to run to burn off all the calories in an 11 serving bag of Chili Cheese Fritos?
16. Do my kids’ teachers totally hate me for being ‘that mom’ in about 16 ways? If they do, do they take it out on my kids or just feel sorry for them for having me as a mom?
17. If Bravo and MTV got married and had a baby network I might never leave the couch.
18. Will I someday regret not having one more baby?
19. If I lost 8 more pounds would I be perfectly happy with my body? Is there any weight I could possibly be where I wouldn’t obsess about it?
20. Does my husband ever check my browser history? I wonder if I should go check his browser history. I don’t think I have any idea how to check browser history.
21. Is this post that I’m writing right now funny, funny and embarrassing or just embarrassing?