I know it’s already January 8th, but I really want to be a better person this year, so I’ve been working hard on my list of resolutions and they were taking me a long time. Five is my lucky number, so 2015 is definitely when I’ll achieve all of my hopes and dreams… or maybe it should have already happened 10 years ago. Shit. Regardless, I’m totally committed to being stronger, smarter, cooler, nicer, thinner, curvier, more accomplished, more flexible, less messy, more engaged in the world around me, less worried about things I can’t control, prettier, younger, and a completely different person that I’ve always been. I’m sure if I just put my mind to it, I can do it.
This year, I resolve to:
- Will my hair to stop growing grey.
- Maintain an all-gluten diet.
- Read less time-wasting crap on the internet.
- Write more time-wasting crap for the internet.
- Give back to the community by setting up a school to teach the mentally challenged quail in our neighborhood how to cross the street without being murdered.
- Dye my hair purple to see if it looks cooler.
- Write a book of erotic short stories, based on what I overhear on the microphone I will smuggle into my neighbor’s house.
- Watch all 562 episodes of The Simpsons.
- Start a cult.
- Learn to touch my feet to my head in cobra.
- Visit every Chipotle within 100 miles and rank their margarita making skills from Best to Worst on Yelp (also giving back to the community).
- Write a How-to ebook called 18 Steps to the Perfect Eyebrows.
- Learn how to do my eyebrows good.
- Stop procrastinating. Unless there’s something really important on TV or I’m super tired or uninspired.
- Only write in green ink.
- Be happy all the time. Even when I’m not at all and it’s an inappropriate time to be happy because something really sad or unfair has happened.
Starting… right now! After I drive through Chick-fil-a one last time.