Who’s still watching Survivor? Anyone? Just me?
Right. Just me.
OK, so on the finale of the last season (right before Christmas) they brought back Cochran, the super pale, sunken-chested, but brilliant winner of the last season and gave us an update on his life. It turns out, directly after the finale of the season he won, where he mentioned he’d like to go into writing, he was offered a sweet gig writing for a new network primetime comedy starring Will Arnet.
While watching, I thought to myself: Wait, what?! You can get your dream writing job just by sleeping in the jungle, lying to a bunch of other idiots and finding out what your natural eyebrows look like for 40 days? I am SO IN. I’ve watched almost every goddamn episode of this show! Well, except for the seasons where no one did any backstabbing or switched alliances or said they were a CIA agent even though they were clearly just crazy people. Those seasons were terrible.
I could totally do this. Sure, I’m afraid of spiders and most other bugs, plus swimming in open water makes me have a panic attack, and whenever I skip lunch I become irrationally enraged, but beyond that, I bet I would be awesome at it! I’m friendly… and I’d be decent at challenges… well, at least the ones that don’t involve eating gross things or puzzles. I’m no good at thinking fast when I’m on the spot. Also I’d probably get really bored during the endurance ones. And I’d constantly be offering to take my clothes off for Jeff in exchange for any kind of food. He’d probably get annoyed with me pretty fast. ‘Keep your clothes on, Newlin. No one wants to see that.’ But whatever. I could do the whole Survivor thing. Especially if it could help me get a book deal! Of course that would mean I’d have to stop fucking around and actually write a book. But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. First step: Get on Survivor!
And that’s why this weekend I talked my family into helping me film a 3 minute video to submit to the Survivor casting website. It wasn’t until it was finished that I remembered I’m so much better on paper than on video. I tend to speak like a high-pitched, affected weirdo when I’m being filmed.
Ben (after he watched it with me): Well… that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Me: That’s a glowing endorsement.
Ben: No… it wasn’t THAT bad. I mean I really expected it to be so cheesy and terrible.
Ben: So did you submit it?
Me: I did.
Ben: Mom, DON’T GO AWAY FOR 40 DAYS! Please!
Me: Sweetheart, you just saw the video, I don’t think there’s anything to be worried about.
Ben: OK, good.
But hey, at least I can post it here to entertain anyone with three minutes of time to kill at work!
After we finished it I watched some of the other audition videos on the website that were successful. None of them went with reverse psychology. I’m pretty sure that doesn’t bode well for my chances. Oh well, at least we learned how to use the video setting on our nice camera!