You know what I just LOVE about Valentines Day? So many things:
1. I just LOVE the fact that the teachers now make the specific instruction that you wrap the shoe box top separate from the rest of the box so it can be removed to accomodate larger cards for the kids’ Valentines box. Because I have nothing else better to do with my life than spend an hour and an entire roll of wrapping paper trying to cover a box so it doesn’t look like a 3 year old did it while my kid looks on disapprovingly.
2. I LOVE all of the candy and cookies and crap they stuff my kids with at school for the ridiculous party to celebrate a fake holiday and then send them home with so I can be the bad guy and take it all away or let them have it so they don’t hate me and contribute to the childhood obesity epidemic. Relatedly, I LOVE that my kids refuse to eat dinner the night of the 14th because they’re too full/sick from candy.
3. OMG, I just LOVE all the ‘I love my shmoopie’ posts on Facebook all day. Sappy over-sentimentality is SO MY THING. Adorable. And not at all grossing me out or creating unrealistic expectations in the general public for how much we should all worship each other if we’ve been married 15 years.
4. I LOVE the chocolate that hangs around our house for the next month slowly gathering in my backfat region.
5. I LOVE the commercials. Oh the commercials, they are just the best. They totally don’t make me want to slit my own throat with a box cutter.
6. I LOVE that Facebook was all up in my business all day with weird suggestions about what I should get my husband for Valentines Day. Why are you so concerned with my marriage, Facebook?
7. I LOVE the pressure to compete with all the other moms to see who can make the cutest, cleverest valentines Pinterest can come up with for the kids in the classroom. You know, because my kids completely give a shit and it’s not just about my own ego and need to be the best at something, anything.
8. I just LOVE that my five year old has Valentines Day confused with Halloween and was indignant when I told him he couldn’t take his school Valentine box around door-to-door to collect more cards and candy.
9. I LOVE the chocolates that look like dark chocolate caramels but are really dark chocolate cherry creams and I can’t tell until the cherry cream is ALREADY IN MY MOUTH. Those things are super easy and pleasant to scrape off my tongue.
10. The thing I LOVE the very most is the fact that I wake up in the morning knowing it’s been a busy week and I’m just lucky my husband was willing to stay with the kids while I attended 83 social functions and not divorce me for it, so I’m not getting any fancy valentines crap and I’m fine with it because I know he loves me and just hasn’t had time and it’s a stupid holiday anyway, but by halfway through the day, watching pictures of flowers and proclamations of love filter past on social media I’m bitter I didn’t get any love swag. Because I’ve been brainwashed.*
*Jason says he LOVES when he agrees with his significant other that you won’t get anything for each other because it’s a stupid holiday and then the other person violates the agreement and gets him something and he feels like an asshole.