For some reason Mondays really awaken all of my self-loathing. It’s probably because I like to pretend I have nothing real that needs to be taken care of on the weekends and then I wake up Monday morning with a fun-carefree-sleep-in-eat-whatever-I-want hangover and a to-do list 8 miles long. So today I’m just going to indulge it all and wallow in my own self-hatred and disappointment.
You’re kind of the worst.
Really? Funnel cake and a churro yesterday? Have you no self-control? Oh yes, you have no self-control. And that Mint Dark Chocolate Dove bar just crammed itself down your throat at 9pm, didn’t it? What is wrong with you?
Just because you think seasonal decorations were dreamed up by sadists at Hallmark who hate women and good taste, doesn’t mean your children don’t not-so-secretly wish they had a mother who stocks up on fake spiderwebs and giant sparkly spiders that cling to the front of houses. Did you see the glee they got from the fact that one of the next door neighbor’s hanging bat decorations blew off their garage and landed on our cactus? “Look, Mom! There’s a decoration in our yard!!” Someday they’ll confess, tearily, to a therapist, “I mean my mom didn’t even have a pinterest account. She clearly didn’t love us at all.” Get over yourself and put out some damn decorations. Also, stop pretending it’s a political agenda and not mostly laziness.
Remember how last year you actually completed Nanowrimo? Yeah, that was awesome. Stop patting yourself on the back. What did you learn? You learned if you put your mind to it you have the ability to string together a novel’s length of cohesive material. Now that it’s been almost a year since then, how many novels have you written? Or even short stories you’ve completed? Essays? ANYTHING OTHER THAN BLOG POSTS? NONE. God, you’re pathetic.
Can we talk about the baby quilt for your nephew you never finished? Yeah, you know, the one you bought the fabric for like right after your sister-in-law found out she was pregnant with your nephew who’s like nine months old now. And also you now have another nephew who you never even bought any fabric to make a quilt for. Because you’re the worst aunt ever.
Just because your husband was a touch snappy in the morning doesn’t mean you needed to hold it against him ALL day. It’s pretty obnoxious to be completely impatient with him for being slightly impatient. You could maybe try just a wee bit harder to be a pleasant person, ass.
If you weren’t so lazy and had actually gone to the grocery store YESTERDAY you would have Diet Coke in the house right now and would be less prone to sadness and self-flagellation.
Loudly and publicly threatening your children with death/dismemberment if they don’t smile for a group picture at the end of a long, exhausting day is both humiliating and generally ineffective, you dummy:
While you’re getting your shit together, how about you, I don’t know:
Figure out what the eff you’re doing with your brokerage instead of burying your head in the sand and trying to pretend you don’t have to do any research or make any decisions.
Organize your contacts in your new computer like you’ve been meaning to for months.
Make dentist appointments for your family. No one in my family has ever had a cavity is not a valid excuse to have no idea when the last time we all went to the dentist was. It’s possible none of us have been diagnosed with a cavity because no dentist has seen the inside of our mouths any time recently.
And lastly: you drink too much wine.
With general disgust,
PS – I may have gone too far with that last one. You don’t drink too much wine. It’s kind of impossible to drink too much wine, right? Everything else, though, yes.