This morning I stepped on the scale for the first time in awhile and for a brief instant as the numbers flashed up at me I thought I’d lost 12 pounds.
Holy shit, I thought to myself, I am going to look so good in my swimsuit at the barbeque today!
But then I remembered I’d tried on the swimsuit the day before after I’d rinsed the cat pee out of it (that cat is really testing the limits of normal human sanity if he expects to keep this up and live to see the end of 2011) and it had looked OK, but definitely not 12-pounds-less OK. It looked ‘hides my stretch marks pretty well and doesn’t showcase my muffin-top region’ decent, not ‘what I weighed sophomore year in college when I lived off campus and was a little lonely and didn’t eat very often but weighed myself 3 times a day’ awesomely skinny. I would know if I looked that good.
I realized there had to be another reason for the change in my weight. The explanation could only be that a change in the Earth’s mass had taken place, causing a small but perceptible reduction in the gravitational pull. A piece of the Earth must have broken off and floated into space.
I wondered if the global scientists knew about this. It could potentially be a huge catastrophe. I mean, maybe it was just some obscure and uninteresting part of the world that we would never miss, like Kentucky, but what if it was that country where they make all of the things that are sold at IKEA? Where is that, Sweden? Switzerland? Germany? China? What if that part of the world was drifting off into space right now? How would we inexpensively remodel our kitchens with cabinets that would be out of fashion in 3 years if all of our ‘easy to assemble if you got a degree in Engineering from a Division One college’ cabinet parts were floating to Mars?
I knew I needed to alert the proper authorities right away just in case they hadn’t yet noticed. Maybe my iPad could do it. That thing has so much capability I can’t even begin to grasp. It’s like the human brain; I’m really only using 10% of its potential. If I could figure out how to even use 50% of it, it could probably teach me to teleport.
Flush with the adrenaline only attempting to avert a global crisis can summon, I stepped off the scale to find my iPad and contact NASA, and the scale slipped down off of the edge of the baseboard and crashed a half a centimeter onto the tile below.
“Oh,” I said to no one, “I guess it was too close to the wall.”
When I stepped back on the numbers jumped up 12.5 pounds from where they had just been. So what I’m saying is: it’s possible a piece of Mars broke off 7 years ago, floated toward us and attached itself to Earth’s mass last night, thus causing a small, but perceptible increase in the Earth’s gravitational pull. That or the deal I got on mint chocolate chip ice cream last week is having an effect on my own personal gravitational pull.
One of the two.
I hope your Memorial Day is as exciting and dramatic as mine has been!