I’ve been watching a lot of the show Dexter lately, because my sister is obsessed with it and convinced me it’s worth checking out. It’s possible that’s why a conversation I had with Jonas this morning disturbed me more than usual.
Jonas (in the shower with me, furious, because he didn’t want to take a shower and I finally took his clothes off and placed him in the shower stall bodily because he was throwing such a ridiculous fit): I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND!! [His favorite insult.]
Me (washing my hair, ignoring his temper tantrum): OK.
Jonas: I’m not going to share with you! [I’m pretty sure they’re teaching him at school the very worst thing a person can do is not share.]
Jonas: I’m going to take your skin off. [Well that just jumped up about 300 levels on the punishment scale. Where would he even get that? Did he just make that up as a torture method? Wow, surprisingly creepy and effective for <4 year old.]
Me: You’re gonna what?
Jonas (seeing that he’s got my attention now): I’m going to kill you with my bare hands. [This one’s my fault. I vaguely remember threatening to strangle Jason with my bare hands within earshot of Jonas and having to explain what ‘bare’ meant in this context. Hello, Hole that I dug myself into. Exactly how deep are you?]
Jonas: I’m going to get a gun and I’m going to get bullets for it and I’m going to put them in and I’m going to shoot you till you’re dead. [OK, that’s fairly well thought out. I’m pretty sure he didn’t learn those steps from Special Agent Oso. What have his big brothers been teaching him?]
Me: That’s not a nice thing to say.
Jonas: And I’m gonna get scissors… [Oh dear lord, what is he going to do with the scissors?]
Jonas: and I’m going to cut up the shower. So then you won’t be able to take a shower because it will be all cracked and broken. [Whew, at least he’s just going to cut up the shower and not my eyeballs before he feeds them to me or something.]
Me: Well I won’t be able to take a shower anyway because I’ll be dead because you’ll have killed me. And then there won’t be anyone to make you breakfast and lunch or to tuck you in at night and give you a kiss.
Jonas: Daddy will make me breakfast and tuck me in. [He’s got it all planned out, doesn’t he? I wonder if he took out a life-insurance policy on me too…]
Me: No he won’t. He’ll be at work. Plus he’ll be mad at you because you killed me.
Jonas (concerned now): And then he’ll kill me because I killed you? [Where did he get this view of the way the world works? Has he been watching ‘Lord of the Flies’ when I’m not around?]
Me: No, Daddy won’t kill you because he’s a good person and good people don’t kill other people. But he will be really really mad at you. And he’ll definitely cancel vacation tomorrow. [Just when he thought he had it all figured out, I have my own arsenal of instruments of torture.]
Jonas: Oh. OK, I won’t kill you. I’m sorry I said that. May I please have the soap? [And just like that it’s over.]
Me: Yes. Can I have a hug first?
Jonas: Yes. You’re my friend. [I’m not completely sure I believe him. It was almost too easy… I might need an armed bodyguard.]
So… should I be concerned? I mean, I guess as long as he turns out like Dexter and not like Dexter’s brother then I’m probably still a good parent, right?