3 Weeks Before Christmas -
Jason’s text to me: Have you talked to your mom today?
Me to Jason: Um… no. Why?
Several long minutes pass before he replies, during which I have the time for the following inner dialog: Why would he want to know if I’ve talked to my mom? Has he talked to my mom? Why would he have talked to my mom? Is something wrong with her??! Did she get into a car accident?! Does she have CANCER?! WHY WOULDN’T THEY CALL ME FIRST???!!! Wait, that doesn’t make a ton of sense. Is she mad at me? She’s mad at me, isn’t she? Shit. What did I do? Hm… it must be really bad if she called Jason to tell him she’s mad at me…
Jason to me: Do you have time to talk?
More inner dialog: Oh fuck. She’s definitely mad at me! Is it because I didn’t call her after she texted me a couple of days ago? Or Jason’s leaving me and he told her first? That would be weird. Maybe it’s my dad? Oh god, if my dad is sick, I don’t know if I can deal. I feel nauseous. OR, maybe they’re all ganging up on me! That’s probably it. This is an intervention, isn’t it? Christ. Well… it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Me to Jason: Sure. Call me.
Jason: Hey. So your mom bought a Christmas present for you and the kids and it’s being delivered early.
Me: WHAT?! This is about Christmas presents????
Me: Oh for fuck’s sake. Can you please NOT text me things like ‘Have you talked to your mom today?’ if no one’s dying, mad at me or staging an intervention? Like can we make that a rule of our marriage going forward? Because you’re THE WORST.
Jason: What are you talking about?
Me: I thought something happened! You were being so ominous. Do you have time to talk? Don’t say that! It means terrible things.
Jason: …OK… noted. Anyway. Your mom bought a Christmas present and it’s being delivered early-
Me: Is it a trampoline?
Jason: Yes. So are you going to be home tomorrow?
Me: I think so. I don’t have any appointments yet. So do you really know what it is?
Jason: …it’s really a trampoline.
Me: WHAT?!!!! No it’s not.
Jason: Yes it is. Did she tell you that?
Me: NO! I was just thinking about good Christmas presents for the kids and about that one Christmas when me and my sister and brother saw my parents measuring the backyard and became convinced they were buying us a trampoline but it ended up being a ping pong table… which probably would have been fine if we hadn’t thought it was going to be a trampoline. So it was kind of terrible.
Jason: Well now you’re finally getting a trampoline.
Me: NO LIKE FOR REALS? Because if you’re fucking with me I’m going to cry and you’re not going to get laid any time soon.
Jason: For reals.
Me: THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. I have the best mom of anyone who ever lived. I can’t believe it. Do we have to wait until Christmas to put it together?
Me: I don’t know if I can wait! This is going to be so awesome. I’m so happy.
So we got a trampoline for Christmas. And it’s THE RADDEST. Suffice it to say, Plan: Turn the Family Into a Traveling Circus is moving forward nicely. Thanks, Mom!