Sometimes when someone or something is seriously pissing me off, it helps for the offender, or really anyone else, to just acknowledge that the whole thing is bullshit and it’s not me who’s crazy. I just like to be understood, is what I’m saying.
So in the interest of Father’s Day and acknowledging what I can only guess is one of the most annoying things about existence for my husband and father of my children; I’m pretty sure this is what it’s like to be Jason.*
Me: Jason, my computer says my inbox is full.
Jason: So… you should probably delete some emails.
Me: WHAT?! NO! I need all 8653 of these emails! This is for my job! I cannot delete them. You need to fix the computer so it has more room in my email. I can’t live like this. It’s a huge problem and I won’t be able to properly represent my clients if you don’t fix this. Do you want me to lose my job?
Jason: I’ll look into it.
Me: I kind of need you to do it like right now.
Jason’s Mom: So, I know we’ll only be in town for like 3 days and there’s a whole bunch planned, but I’m bringing my laptop from 1987 and I sort of need you to update all the software and make it work better. Is that OK?
Jason: Well… I mean I guess I could do it at night. When everyone else is sleeping…
Jason’s Mom: Great. It kind of stopped turning on a few months ago, so I’m going to need you to make it not have a problem with that anymore. Also I’d love to be able to video chat with you guys. But I don’t know if it has a camera. So maybe you could build one or install one or something?
Jason: … Sure, Mom.
Me: My car is making that noise again. Remember the one I told you about? It did it while I was on the freeway today.
Jason: OK. Well you should probably call the dealership.
Me: UGH, that is such a hassle and totally expensive and I always feel like they’re ripping me off because I don’t know anything. Can’t you look at it?
Jason: I don’t have any experience with your car. I don’t know why it would be making that noise.
Me: But you change the oil and the brakes. Can’t you just, like, look it up online or figure it out or something?
Jason: This noise seems electrical. The electrical systems are super complicated. I’m not going to be able to fix it.
Me: See, you’ve already identified the problem! You can totally do this.
Jason: You need to call the dealership.
Me: I feel like what you’re saying is that you don’t love me and you’ll be fine with the fact that my car is going to explode into a fiery ball of death as I’m driving down the freeway with your children.
Jason: I’ll call the dealership.
Me: Thank you.
My sister: So Colby sat on my laptop last night and it’s totally effed up. Like the screen is reversed or something. Where it should be black it’s white and where it’s white it should be black. It’s an Apple, though, so do you think Jason can fix it?
Me: I’m totally sure he can. He knows everything about computers. Just bring it over tomorrow night after dinner and he’ll fix it for you.
Jason: Who’s coming over tomorrow night and why?
Me: Don’t worry about it babe, I’m on the phone, we can talk about it later!
Jason: Hey, so I did some updates to your iPad and I uploaded 6 more episodes of that show you were watching to the AppleTV so you can watch them tonight while you’re folding laundry.
Me: Aw, that’s so nice! I’m so excited you did that!
30 minutes later…
Me: JASON!! It’s broken and not working at all!
Jason: What’s broken?
Me: The show stopped playing and I can’t make it work! You promised me good shows and now I’m sitting up her for hours folding laundry with NOTHING TO WATCH. It’s horrible. It’s worse that I thought I was going to have these awesome shows and now I don’t!!
Jason: Ok, hold on. I think it’s the internet. I’ll reset it.
5 minutes later…
Me: IT’S STILL NOT WORKING AND I HATE YOU AND WE PROBABLY HAVE TO GET A DIVORCE NOW. YOU’RE JUST SITTING DOWN THERE AND YOU PROMISED ME YOU’D RESET THE INTERNET AND YOU DIDN’T AND YOU DON’T LOVE ME.
Jason: I didn’t come up to reset the internet because it started working again so I assumed it was working again for you.
Me: WHEN YOU ASSUME YOU MAKE AN ASS OUT OF OUR MARRIAGE AND THEN I HAVE TO KILL YOU.
Jason: OK, I’ll be right up.
My mother: So I don’t know which camera, computer, iPod or grill to buy. Can I send Jason a list of each and have him go through the specs and reviews and tell me which will last the longest, be most economical and is the coolest? He’s just so much better with the technical stuff than I am.
Me: Totally. Just email him and CC me. He’s way better at that stuff than the rest of us.
Friend who Jason built a website for years ago: I know you haven’t touched the site in 9 months, but it’s completely not working. Like at all. And I’m kind of freaking out. Thoughts?
Jason: Yeah, it’s the hosting company you’re using. They’re like completely down for a bunch of customers. It’s a huge problem for a ton of people.
Friend: OK, but can you do something to fix it?
Jason: I wish I could, but there’s just nothing to be done until they come back up. Then you can switch hosting if you want to someone more reliable…
Friend: No, but really, there’s nothing you can do? Because this is like a huge problem for me and you built the site so…
Jason: Right, but this issue has nothing to do with anything I did…
Friend: Are you sure? Because you built the site.
Jason: Yes, but this is a problem with the HOSTING. Do you understand what I mean?
Friend: I mean… I guess. But you can’t do anything?
Later that day…
Me: Did you see that our friend’s site is down? Can’t you fix it?
Jason: Yeah, I can’t do anything. It’s the hosting.
Me: Nothing? It seems like you should be able to fix it if you just try hard enough. I mean you built it…
Happy Father’s Day, Jason. I know it’s irritating to be so technically capable, but we’re glad you are.
*Just because I’m acknowledging that it’s going on doesn’t mean that I’m saying it’s going to change.