Do you ever have those weeks where on Monday, you think you’ve got it all pretty much under control but then you blink and it’s Friday and your kids are throwing things over the balcony to see what they look like when they shatter, your voicemail has 7 messages you haven’t listened to yet and you can’t put your finger on exactly when you last showered?
Sometimes I wish I had a live-in psychiatrist. He could sleep in the extra bedroom and then, when my head is feeling explode-y, I would ring and bell and he’d come down with his little round glasses and his pad of paper (because he’s a psychiatrist from the 1800s, obvs) and say, Yes, Dear. What seems to be the problem? Tell me how you’re feeling today. And then Jason and the kids (and my blog) wouldn’t have to hear all about the inside of my head all of the time and I would probably feel less like throwing myself into traffic on a regular basis. I wonder if I could also pay him to pet my hair?
Today, if I had a live-in Sigmund, this is how it would go:
Me: I just feel so stressed. So much stress.
Sigmund: And what exactly do you feel stressed about?
Me: EVERYTHING. Just so many things.
Sigmund: Specifically, Dear…
Me: Well, like Eli. I feel really stressed about Eli’s general happiness.
Sigmund: And Eli is?
Me: The tortoise. Who lives in the backyard now. How do you tell if a tortoise is content with his life? At least with the cat he cuddles when he’s happy and talks to us and purrs. Eli can’t even smile. He wanders around the yard in a fairly enthusiastic manner, chomping on grass and whatnot, but what if he’s cold? Or lonely? Or scared out there all alone? How do we even tell?
Sigmund: Well, he’s a tortoise. So first of all we have to deal with the question of if he even really experiences the emotion ‘happiness’-
Me: Also I’m stressed about the middle of green onions.
Sigmund (scribbling furiously): The middle of green onions? In relation to what does this cause you stress?
Me: I have all of these recipes that call for green onions and almost all of them have me dice the white part separate from the green ends. The white part is used more like a regular onion and the green as a garnish. But green onions don’t have a definitive transition between the white and the green; it’s gradual. In the middle it gets too green to be with the white parts and too thick to be sliced with the green tops. The middle parts just don’t fit in! Where do they belong? I feel like it might be a metaphor for my life.
Sigmund: Well, now even I think that’s taking it a little far…
Me: I’m also stressed about my total inability to make good choices regarding food when I’m starving.
Sigmund: You shame-binged on Taco Bell in your car again, didn’t you?
Me: At 10:57AM! And then I regretted every bite by 11:14AM. It was a new low. I hate myself so much.
Sigmund: Well now that they have the Cool Ranch Doritos taco shell, it’s sort of hard to just drive by without swinging through.
Me: I know, right? The weather is also super stressing me out.
Sigmund: The clouds? They’re nice. We might get some rain this weekend…
Me: That’s what I’m stressing about! If it rains all weekend the roofer won’t be able to complete the roof-work on the house my sweet first-time buyers are trying to close on Monday. And they’ve already given notice at their rental, so if we can’t get their house closed because the roof isn’t done then they’ll end up homeless! Maybe I should tell them they can stay in the extra bedroom…
Sigmund: Hey, that’s my room!!
Me: Oh, right… sorry. I was reading an article on Jezebel the other day and the writer made an offhand comment about how she doesn’t trust IUDs because she knows like four people who’ve gotten pregnant while using one and ever since I read that I’ve been convinced I’m pregnant.
Sigmund: I read they’re almost as effective as female sterilization. You should probably stop worrying about that one.
Me: I’m feeling tense that I’m doing a bad job with my eye makeup. I can’t get a grip on the whole eye shadow thing. I also can’t decide if it just makes me look like an old lady or if I look like an old lady because I am an old lady. I know I just need to devote a day to watching YouTube videos on how to do my eye makeup, but I’ve been really busy with stuff that makes me money and raising these kids. So lame.
Sigmund: Anything else on your mind?
Me: There’s a drawer in the kitchen that won’t open all the way and I’m pretty sure something is stuck in it but I’m too lazy to try to figure out what. *WHEW* I think that was most of it. I feel so much better. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Sigmund: I need a nap.
I wish I had a Sigmund. Oh well, at least I have a blog. Thanks for letting me vent, Blog-readers.