Me (on hold with a short sale escalation representative to complain about a stagnant short sale): Why has the KitchenAid mixer been on the dining room table next to my computer for a month?
Also Me: Probably because the cupboard it usually goes in is messy right now because of the diet.
Me: What does the diet have to do with that cupboard?
Also Me: It’s also where we keep the ziplock bags. So now, because we’re packing food to take everywhere we go for the stupid diet, there are a bunch of necessary sizes of ziplock bags and they need to be easily accessible, which is difficult when the mixer is in the way.
Me: Oh. Well the other thing in that cupboard is that enormous bowl we got as a wedding present and have literally never used.
Also Me: That’s true. I was thinking it might be helpful for like really big salads in potlucks or something, someday.
Me: Yes, but we’ve taken salads to potlucks for like 25 people and never needed a bowl that big.
Also Me: Yeah, it’s probably more appropriate for bathing toddlers in.
Me: I’m going to pull that bowl out for the donation pile, quickly organize the ziplock bags, and put away the mixer. That will really start to clear off the dining room table. And it will only take a second!
Also Me: Great plan!
*2 hours and 45 minutes later*
Gray (walking in the door from school): Mom, what are you doing??!
Me: Well, I was just going to put away the mixer, but then I wanted to put some of the water bottles that had migrated into the mixer cupboard back into the one next to it, but it was over-flowing with tablecloths. Do you know how many tablecloths we have?
Me: SEVENTEEN. Do you remember the last time we used a tablecloth?
Gray: Um, no.
Me: RIGHT. Because we never use them!
Me: So I decided to take all of the tablecloths out of that cabinet and put them somewhere else because it’s not like they need to be easily accessible or anything, but then it turned out there was a whole bunch of heavy platters and whatnot on the top shelf of that cupboard and they’d actually broken the shelf fastener thingys out of the sides of the shelf, and the only things holding the shelf up were the tablecloths.
Me: Seriously. It was totally not a structurally sound situation. So I took everything out of that cupboard and got a hammer and fixed the shelf and put everything except the tablecloths and some random seasonal chachskis back in. But then I had to find a place to put the tablecloths.
Me: I thought I’d put them in the storage ottoman we have in the great room. You know, the one with the four compartments?
Gray: Oh yeah-
Me: But it turns out I’d shoved all of the paperwork from the kitchen counter that wasn’t trash into one of those compartments last time your grandma came to visit. And one of the compartments has like a whole bunch of probably scratched and useless DVDs-
Gray: I forgot about all the DVDs!
Me: And one compartment was stuffed with toys, dirty socks, magic tricks, and a fruit by the foot still in the wrapper.
Gray: Really? Where is it?
Me: It’s old and gross! You can’t eat it.
Me: The last of the compartments was relatively empty.
Gray: I know. I cleaned it out a few months ago to make a place for Blue to sleep. He slept in it for hours.
Me: Yeah, but it turned out we had too many tablecloths for just one compartment. So I still had to clean one out. I opted for the toys because I couldn’t cope with the paperwork today.
Gray: Well that’s good. But it still doesn’t explain-
Me: So THEN, I needed to put away the pumpkin carving tools into the Halloween box, and the Christmas platters and cheese plate in the Christmas boxes out on the shelves in the garage.
Me: While I was up on the ladder putting the stuff back in the boxes, I realized there were a whole bunch of boxes I haven’t looked in since we moved in, 7 years ago.
Gray: Ah, I see.
Me: And that’s where I found the roller blades!!! Who even knew I still had roller blades! Also, apparently I still have my wedding dress. So that’s good. I kind of thought it was lost.
Gray: It’s all starting to make more sense.