The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

How To Make a Garden: Part II

I totally have a garden! I’m practically a farmer. It’s true. I might even be wearing overalls and just in from milking the goats at dawn. OK, not so much the last part. Or the overalls. But I do have a garden. And I have learned so much about gardening it would be practically criminal of me not to share my new found knowledge with my readers, right?

Things I’ve Learned Concerning Gardening:

1. My friend who said it took them one hour from start to finish to get their garden going is a goddamn liar. No, I was not able to successfully talk Jason into going the Home Depot kit route. He had to buy his own wood and notch out hinges and whatnot. The thing is, though, EACH STEP of the process took one hour plus infinity hours to complete. So I can come to no conclusion other than she is a goddamn liar. It’s a fact. Take it to the bank.

2. Digging willy-nilly in your pre-landscaped yard without knowing exactly where the drip system lines run will result in a generally nuclear situation:

When this happens, it’s best to stay outside the red box, AKA: the angry zone, for at least 24 hours.

3. The dirt-selling guys will take advantage of your lack of understanding of the system of measurement involving dirt (dirt is sold in yards? That seems strangely one or at the most two dimensional for dirt) and sell you exactly twice as much as you need for your garden. But your friends will be happy to have it for their gardens; so there’s that. Your neighbors will only hate you for about a week as the stinking, bug-ridden pile of compost and manure sits out in front of your house. They’ll get over it.

4. People who garden don’t call it ‘dirt’. They call it ‘soil’. I keep forgetting that one.

5. Putting on a cute ‘gardening outfit’ before planting all of your plants is kind of pointless because it just gets really dirty (I maybe should have said ‘soily’, I’m not really sure), really fast. I learned this one the hard way.

6. I have no idea how to tell if my plants are getting enough, too little or too much water. This is keeping me up at night. Gardening is stressful.

7. This whole we need the bees to survive on this planet! if the bees all die out we won’t have any plants or food! is kind of a hoax, I have to tell you. I got really nervous about not having any bees to pollinate my tomato flowers so they would become tomatoes because I haven’t seen any out there so I did some research. I thought there was like a special sign I could make and put out in my yard so they would know I need their services or something. I also thought pollinating was something only bees could do. So it turns out that all the bees do is beat their wings really fast near the flowers and the (Warning: x-rated plant talk to follow) pollen from the boy flower parts falls down into the girl parts of the flower. That’s all the bees do for the tomatoes! (Honestly they might do lots of other things for other plants. I don’t know. I didn’t research any other pollination. Don’t write me hate mail.) I also learned in my research that you can replicate this action by the bees with an electric toothbrush. So you can bet I was out there electric toothbrushing my tomato flowers, yessireebob. Bees aren’t that special. I’m just saying.

8. I still have no idea which part of that little eggplant plant we got will grow an eggplant.

Maybe it stresses him out too much to have his little plastic marker with a recipe for how to stir fry eggplant staring him in the face everyday to even produce an eggplant. I should probably remove that. It would be more humane.

9. It’s all worth it when you see that very first tomato of the season:



13 Responses to How To Make a Garden: Part II

  1. nice pics… sure to bring the bees….

  2. Liar! WTF! Just cause your husband has to make things 10000000000 times harder on himself than is needs to be, doesn’t mean my ways aren’t AWESOME. Just for that I’m keeping my bees to myself. LOL

    • It’s true that he makes it infinitely harder. Also true that your ways are still awesome. However, the fact that it took me one full hour just to put the damn plants in the ground as fast as I could, leads me to be slightly suspicious of your whole ‘one hour start to finish’ claim. Just sayin.

      • Just means I’m related to The Flash. Or that i didn’t plant as many plants as you did. You have two giant boxes. I only did on 4 X 4 square. Which also means you are going to have loads more great veggies coming out of your garden than I will. And then I will be utterly jealous and be begging for yummy Bell Peppers.

  3. I believe the correct term would be “soiling” your cute outfit…. But then again, that could be interpreted in more than one way and may lead to some unnecessary embarrassment. I wish you great success in your garden adventures!

  4. now i want a garden…. damnit liz…

  5. I would like to believe in your closets of clothes, you have overalls too.
    And I cannot support this love of gardening enough. YAY!!

  6. Also — I will not get preachy here, but I could write a sermon on why BEES ARE SPECIAL. AND WE SHOULD BE WORRIED.

  7. I would prefer it if Kelli got preachy. You seriously didn’t think that anything else was a pollinator??? I don’t get it. Shouldn’t Ben be schooling you on this stuff? Your beds are super cute!!

    • OMG, bee cheerleaders. I was kidding. mostly. and please, I learn stuff from Ben every day I probably should have learned in school but wasn’t paying attention.

  8. Your tomatoes will taste better (different) than store bought, but never calculate the cost of your backyard tomatoes (include your labor) to the cost in the store. You are now an official locavore. Do you need a Farm Bureau membership?

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