I totally have a garden! I’m practically a farmer. It’s true. I might even be wearing overalls and just in from milking the goats at dawn. OK, not so much the last part. Or the overalls. But I do have a garden. And I have learned so much about gardening it would be practically criminal of me not to share my new found knowledge with my readers, right?
Things I’ve Learned Concerning Gardening:
1. My friend who said it took them one hour from start to finish to get their garden going is a goddamn liar. No, I was not able to successfully talk Jason into going the Home Depot kit route. He had to buy his own wood and notch out hinges and whatnot. The thing is, though, EACH STEP of the process took one hour plus infinity hours to complete. So I can come to no conclusion other than she is a goddamn liar. It’s a fact. Take it to the bank.
2. Digging willy-nilly in your pre-landscaped yard without knowing exactly where the drip system lines run will result in a generally nuclear situation:
When this happens, it’s best to stay outside the red box, AKA: the angry zone, for at least 24 hours.
3. The dirt-selling guys will take advantage of your lack of understanding of the system of measurement involving dirt (dirt is sold in yards? That seems strangely one or at the most two dimensional for dirt) and sell you exactly twice as much as you need for your garden. But your friends will be happy to have it for their gardens; so there’s that. Your neighbors will only hate you for about a week as the stinking, bug-ridden pile of compost and manure sits out in front of your house. They’ll get over it.
4. People who garden don’t call it ‘dirt’. They call it ‘soil’. I keep forgetting that one.
5. Putting on a cute ‘gardening outfit’ before planting all of your plants is kind of pointless because it just gets really dirty (I maybe should have said ‘soily’, I’m not really sure), really fast. I learned this one the hard way.
6. I have no idea how to tell if my plants are getting enough, too little or too much water. This is keeping me up at night. Gardening is stressful.
7. This whole we need the bees to survive on this planet! if the bees all die out we won’t have any plants or food! is kind of a hoax, I have to tell you. I got really nervous about not having any bees to pollinate my tomato flowers so they would become tomatoes because I haven’t seen any out there so I did some research. I thought there was like a special sign I could make and put out in my yard so they would know I need their services or something. I also thought pollinating was something only bees could do. So it turns out that all the bees do is beat their wings really fast near the flowers and the (Warning: x-rated plant talk to follow) pollen from the boy flower parts falls down into the girl parts of the flower. That’s all the bees do for the tomatoes! (Honestly they might do lots of other things for other plants. I don’t know. I didn’t research any other pollination. Don’t write me hate mail.) I also learned in my research that you can replicate this action by the bees with an electric toothbrush. So you can bet I was out there electric toothbrushing my tomato flowers, yessireebob. Bees aren’t that special. I’m just saying.
8. I still have no idea which part of that little eggplant plant we got will grow an eggplant.
Maybe it stresses him out too much to have his little plastic marker with a recipe for how to stir fry eggplant staring him in the face everyday to even produce an eggplant. I should probably remove that. It would be more humane.
9. It’s all worth it when you see that very first tomato of the season: