Me: I want you to build me a garden.
Jason: Wait, you want me to build you a garden? The woman who thinks plants are stupid? The one who punished me for buying her tomato plants once?
Me: You were mostly being punished for the spicorpion. And I don’t want the garden as a gift. I want actual presents for my birthday; not life I have to care for in addition to the seven (3 children, 3 cats, one husband) I’m already in charge of sustaining at all times.
Jason: OK, but I’ve been trying to talk you into having a garden since we moved in together 10 years ago. You mocked me every time I brought it up. You scoffed. You said it wouldn’t work in Arizona and that we could only grow rocks and sharp homes for insects here. You said, ‘This isn’t Oregon. Stop bothering me with that hippie nonsense.’
Me: I didn’t say you couldn’t do it. I just wasn’t interested in being involved.
Jason: So what’s different now?
Me: Well I saw Laura and Gary’s garden and it totally had all this stuff in it I would actually eat. Food makes me happy. And it’s free if you grow it. I pay $3 for a head of organic romaine in the store and they had 15 in their back yard. It’s kind of like they’re growing money back there.
Jason: You realize it will cost money to start it, right? There are beds to be build and soil to be purchased. And even after you’re growing stuff, you can’t just sell it to the neighbors for a profit.
Me: Yes, yes, Debbie Downer. Why are you raining on my parade? You wanted to do it and now I’m letting you. I mean helping you. Stop complaining and get to work! If we get it all up and running by the weekend we can still plant peppers and squash and asparagus.
Jason: This weekend?! What the hell are you talking about, Crazypants? This is going to take like a year of meticulous planning. I’ve researched beds online and I found a design for a set of four I think would work in our yard. They’re built from apple wood we’ll need to import from Washington (it will improve the flavor of the food we grow) and the edges are an intricate hinge design I’ll have to hand-whittle. The boxes connect together in a lotus flower design that represents the beauty of living off the land. I do think the design could be improved upon, though if we raise them off the ground three feet to make harvesting easier. That will probably add 4 months to the construction time, though. And we should really compost our own soil to begin. We probably should have started that 6 months ago. I suppose we could buy someone else’s composted soil, but it’s just not the same.
Me: This. This is why I have nagging muscles so strong I could cajole Charlie Sheen into a life of sobriety if I was given the opportunity. There is a kit at Home Depot. It’s $50. Rebecca bought one and said it took Matt one hour to put together, fill it with dirt and plant seeds. Those seeds are now half way to eggplants and tomatoes. That is what I want. Not a partially finished temple to the Gods of Gardening taking up space in our back yard because you started it and got too busy/disinterested to finish it.
Jason: Well if you want poor quality veggies…
Me: I just want them at all.
Jason: It hurt my feelings when you said it was ‘hippie nonsense’.
Me: I apologize. If you make me a garden before this weekend I’ll make a concerted effort to refrain from directing any sarcasm or mocking at you for the next two weeks.