The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

How I’m Gonna Get Rich

I finally figured out how Jason and I are going to get rich and be able to put our trajillion children through college. We’re going to build a time machine, go back in time, and rather than betting on sporting events (because I don’t know enough about sports not to screw it up) or picking the winning lotto numbers (because of the lottery curse, duh) I’m going to go back and help myself not spend the money I already have in totally moronic ways. Dude, it’s a gold mine! Every time I look back and think, “I am the stupidest person alive, I might just as well have flushed that money I just spent down the magical poop stealing water chair,” I could just rewind and unspend it. I think I might end up being a billionaire.

I’m going to get Jason started on building the time machine and while he’s at it, I’ll make a list of all of the potential stupidity money I can go back and unspend:

1. Overage fees from that one bank account I don’t keep any money in, but still have two bills that auto-pay out of and every other month I forget to transfer money into.

2. Late fees on credit cards I have the money to pay off and just forget to log in and hit ‘pay bill’ on time.

3. Fines for not turning paperwork in on time to my broker (which are completely deserved).

4. The gym subscription I had for 6 months without walking in the door at the gym once, before I canceled it.

5. The newspaper subscriptions I have only for the coupons I haven’t used in 4 months.

6. Late fees on movies I forgot to return so many days in a row that now we own them (does anyone want to borrow Darjeeling Limited? I never got through the whole thing, but the part I saw was both boring and weird).

7. The jeans I bought at Target last week that neither fit me correctly nor are flattering.

8. Padded costs for signing up for events or lessons outside of the ‘early sign-up’ window.

9. Extra shipping charges for getting things where they need to go fast because I waited till the last minute.

10. Meat that expires in my fridge because I bought it to cook tomorrow and then was too lazy and got takeout instead.

11. Kids’ meals my children never touch at restaurants (really? $5 for what is clearly the blue box mac n cheese?).

12. Health insurance for 90% of the time (ok, ALL insurance for 90% of the time).

13. Unused Groupons for restaurants we never go to and even if we did would be too embarrassed to pull out a Groupon to pay at anyway.

This is genius. I just need a time machine and all my problems will be solved. Maybe I should call Phineas and Ferb.

 

 

3 Responses to How I’m Gonna Get Rich

  1. 10. Meat that expires in my fridge because I bought it to cook tomorrow and then was too lazy and got takeout instead.

    Story. of. my. life.

    I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thrown away meat, or even veggies that go bad before i get to use them because I was too lazy to prepare it. grrr. Need to improve on that.

  2. *makes mental note about “fines to broker for late paperwork” thing…*

  3. yes. on that meat thing. 100%.

    Or remember that time I went to costco and then FORGOT I WENT by the time I got home and left all of the meats and cheeses and whatnots I had just purchased in TRUNK OF MY CAR IN SUMMER for 36 hours before I remembered that I had bought meat and why isn’t it in the fridge where it belongs? Can I have that $150 back?

    I would also like library fines back because how hard is it to log onto the library website and hit “renew all”? apparently VERY HARD because I don’t do it for like two weeks. Last time it was $90 in library fines. as my mom likes to say about her dog, “you are one of the dumbest smart dogs I have ever seen”.

    And, I’d like the money back for the water and electricity it takes to run every load of wash through the washing machine four and five times since I can’t manage to remember to move it to the dryer before it gets that weird musty moldy washer smell.

    gah.

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