The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Go Home, This Week. You’re Not My Friend.

Oh, This Week. This Week, you are kind of the worst.

I mean, really, with the houses that are supposed to close; but can’t because we don’t have loan docs. We are waiting on the documents from the lender. Title wants to know where the loan docs are and when we can expect them. The sellers want to know where the eff the loan docs are and what’s the holdup? The buyers want to know: When are the stupid, goddamn loan docs are going to get to title?

The lenders… well the lenders say ‘soon’. The lenders say, This afternoon, almost definitely. The lenders say, We’ll absolutely have them by Monday, worst case scenario. The lenders say, We have a small problem, but we’ll definitely have it resolved any minute now. Tomorrow at the latest. The lenders stop answering texts and phone calls because they just don’t know when we’ll have docs.

So the agents? What do we do? Well… we pace. And digest our own stomach linings. And we call and make empty threats. And eventually we decide there’s just really nothing we can do. So we drink.

And we distract ourselves by watching hair tutorials on YouTube like this one:

But then we feel depressed when we’ve followed all of the directions and we don’t end up nearly that pretty and still talk like a stupid American.

And sometimes (because, really, while waiting, waiting, waiting, there’s no point in actually attempting anything productive) we decide now is the perfect opportunity to figure out if we can still do an aerial after all of these years. If we can still do an aerial, well then we’re really not that old. We’re practically the same as we were when we were 15. And of course we video the attempt because it could either be spectacular, or we could end up in the hospital, and probably either way it will be good to have recorded.

But then it turns out to be a fairly unspectacular failure. Which is depressing on many, many levels:


So eventually we go back to waiting. And worrying. And calling the lender. And considering worst case scenarios. And feeling completely out of control in the situation. Plus old, and without a sexy accent.

You’re just stupid, This Week.

4 Responses to Go Home, This Week. You’re Not My Friend.

  1. I think you really almost made the first one.

  2. If it’s any consolation, your legs look fantastic.

  3. Your week doesn’t even begin to touch my month. I think i might start a blog, write my entire story and then quit updating that blog, just so i can send you the link of how shitty it has been and then you can be like, “Oh, geez, this week hasn’t been so bad at all.

    And that aerial was really pretty good.

  4. I love the dejected “dammit!” at the end. I would probably accidentally kill myself by doing a cartwheel, so I’m pretty positive you’re winning here.

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