The highs and lows of parenting and real estate.

Everything and Nothing.

I’m pretty sure ain’t nobody got time for cohesive narratives this week (meaning: me. I don’t). So let’s commence with the nonsensical rambling, shall we?

One of my best-friend‘s dad died this week. He’s been in kind of roller-coastery health the last few years, so it wasn’t completely unexpected, but it was fast and kind of shocking. I spent a good chunk of yesterday at her house going through her father’s boxes of photos, getting rid of stuff and helping find pictures for the slideshow she’s putting together for his funeral.

I know she feels like I was being a ‘good friend’ by taking time out of my schedule to come and support her during this, but honestly, it was a lovely day I was lucky I got to experience with her. To begin with, she cooked this amazing breakfast of sausage, spinach and potatoes in a skillet topped with eggs and grape tomatoes and finished in the oven. Those are all of my favorite things that no one in my family will eat! Plus, I didn’t even work or check my email the entire time I was there because hello: Um someone died. It would be rude. 

Beyond those luxuries, we spent a few hours just flipping through the hundreds of photos her dad had taken and collected over his 71 years. Amanda’s dad wasn’t a perfect man (not that any of us are), but it was really interesting and beautiful to see him throughout his life. And, of course, I got to see tons of adorable and hilarious pictures of Amanda and her brother I hadn’t seen before. It felt cathartic and important to sort of relive his life yesterday. The good, the beautiful and the weird.

Speaking of The Weird, among his things, Amanda found a box of really old family photos and memorabilia. There were ancient photos printed on tin and portraits on thick paper that had begun to deteriorate. In a stack of this sort, she found these two small, original black and white prints:

I added the censor bars to allow me to post them to Facebook and Instagram yesterday. I thought about posting them unedited here, because hey, most office servers already flag me as a porn site, but then I remembered I'm a Real Estate Business Website. Sometimes I forget.

I added the censor bars to allow me to post them to Facebook and Instagram yesterday. I thought about posting them unedited here, because hey, most office servers already flag me as a porn site anyway, but then I remembered I’m a Real Estate Business Website. Sometimes I forget.

She has no idea who the woman is, but judging from some of the other photos it was with, we think it must be from the 1940s.

Can we just talk, for a second about all the noteworthy things?

1. I love how modestly tawdry she is. Like, she’s clearly naked and it’s meant to be provocative, but she’s posing in house slippers. Because being outside in bare feet is uncivilized!

2. OK, so what, really, is the thing she’s holding over her lady-parts in the first picture? Amanda thinks it’s a large replica of a cherry (like made out of wood or something?). And I can definitely see that. A couple of people have suggested that it looks like a real eggplant. I think it’s awfully round for an eggplant, but the size makes more sense and the leafy part on top is sort of reminiscent of the top of an eggplant. Also, it’s way more hilarious if it’s an eggplant. Ooo! You caught me gardening in the nude! I’ll just cover my vagina with a vegetable! 

3. Why is she blindfolded? I am not following this narrative at all.

4. The second picture is possibly the weirder one, even though it doesn’t have any unidentifiable produce. Is that a makeshift dishtowel diaper? And a chamberpot she’s holding? Is this some kind of super kinky bathroom sexy thing? Huh. People were super pervy even back then.

5. I wonder if this is the original ‘lampshade as hat’ photo. Like the very first time that joke was used. Maybe she was making history and she didn’t even know it.

I could go on, but they’re great, right? I sort of want to recreate them. Maybe when I write a book I will and use them as my cover art.

Moving on, because I haven’t rambled quite long enough… I’m running Ragnar Del Sol again this weekend. I have my outfits all picked out and packed and I ran 8 miles less than two weeks ago, which is a mile+ more than my longest run, but I’ve had a chest cold and my training has been pretty lackadaisical since. I feel nervous that I’m going to be slow and it will be painful.

Plus, I have a hideous burn on my back from the silks in circus class last Sunday:

silks burn

We learned this trick called ‘The Hammock’ where you lean against one of the silks and feed slack until you’re laying parallel to the ground.

This is my instructor, Rachel, doing it.

This is my instructor, Rachel.

Clearly my slack-feeding needs work.

The burn is in a weird place where it’s not healing fast and every time I bend my head forward I crack it open. And it rubs on my shirts and I’m afraid it’s just going to be a disgusting open wound by the time I’m done running 18 miles this weekend. BLEH.

Speaking of circus class, I figured out last week, after nearly six months of class, that I have been climbing the silks in an incredibly inefficient way this entire time. I feel like an idiot who will never be allowed to join the circus. I have been climbing like an inch-worm, straight up the silks:

I couldn’t understand why, after all this time, and all this muscle I’ve built up, it was still so exhausting and difficult for me to climb the silks, even though it seems easy and beautiful when other people do it. I had an epiphany on Sunday that they are actually straightening their legs at an angle more parallel to the ground than perpendicular and then using the leverage to stand up:

Go watch this video of a woman climbing correctly really quick on YouTube. It wasn’t embed-able.

I mentioned this to one of the other women who’s been taking aerial for a few years and she was like, Oh yeah, it uses way less energy to do it the other way. That’s why we do it like that. At which point I was like, WHY IN THE FUCKITY FUCK DIDN’T ANYONE EVER POINT THIS OUT TO ME?! I COULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN IN CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, YOU ASSHOLES. 

I just felt like that needed to be documented in case anyone out there in Internet Land is Googling, ‘Why do I suck at climbing the silks?’ This website is about educating.

I guess that’s about it. Have a great weekend, my dears. If you’re running Ragnar Del Sol, have a great race and be sure to wave when you see me! I’ll be the one with the blue hair in the cute outfits who’s gasping and has blood running down her back.

4 Responses to Everything and Nothing.

  1. HAHAHAHA! The climbing of the silks epiphany reminds me of the “letting the clutch out” epiphany you had when you were learning to drive a stick shift. Remember that?

    Dad

    • Ah yes. Sometimes if you just explain to me WHAT to do I don’t really get it. Eventually, if I know WHY, that helps. I’m an idiot.

      • Also, seriously, can you see it??? It is SO OBVIOUS now that I understand what I was doing wrong. DUH.

  2. When I was in boot camp, I struggled climbing the rope. Then someone finally told me to bring my knees as high as I could, then just stand up. I was like, “it can’t be just that simple.”

    Then I tried it, and holy shit it worked. It really is that simple. Why don’t they tech this to you in elementary school? There’d be so many fewer disappointed fat kids.

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