In the car yesterday –
Ben: That’s why I’m not telling you when I have a girlfriend. You’ll be all asking a billion questions and embarrassing me.
Me: See, that’s a mistake. I could totally help you out with girls. You should be grateful you have a cool mom.
Ben: HA! Cool mom? You’re kidding, right?
Me: Um, I AM a cool mom. I’m totally younger than most of your friends’ moms. And I know lots of stuff that young people know about.
Ben: You do not. I have to explain stuff to you all the time!
Me: That is not true. Name one thing.
Ben: You didn’t know what YOLO was until I told you. Not that it’s cool either. It’s super lame.
Me: Oh, whatever, fine. One thing…
Ben: And Gangnam Style. Which is also super lame, but I had to explain that one to you, too.
Me: So I’m not cool because you had to tell me what a couple of ‘super lame’ things were?
Ben: Well they were cool at one point. And you didn’t know what they were then. In fact, you can probably directly trace the moment they stopped being cool back to when you found out about them.
Me: You’re just being mean. I am definitely a cool mom.
Ben: First of all, you know what a cool mom might be? A mom who’s not trying to be cool.
Me: What?! I am not trying to be cool!! I just am cool!
Ben: And secondly, there’s no such thing as a ‘cool mom’. It doesn’t exist. There can be a cool dad, but a cool mom is not a real thing. Like Dad, is a cool dad.
Me: WHAT????! Dad is cool? You’re just screwing with me now, aren’t you.
Ben: No. He knows about cool music and likes good movies and stuff. He’s like kind of hip.
Me: Your dad is cooler than I am. That’s what you’re saying right now? Like, I just can’t even… you need to stop talking.
Ben: OK, listen, I’m not trying to offend you. You’re fine. I’m sorry.
Me: No, just don’t say any more words. I don’t want to talk about it any longer.
Ben: Don’t be mad. You’re sort of hip-ish, too… I guess.
Me: I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed in your judgement. Regarding the coolness of human beings. I just thought you had better taste.
Ben: You’re still mad.
Me: Whatever. He’s not cooler. Next time you need an awesome haircut makeover or contacts, call him. See how that turns out for you.