I have two half written posts about a ballet class I took this week, but I just can’t get out whatever it is I’m trying to say. I think the sentiment is too genuine. I’m much better with sarcasm and irony.
So instead, want to hear about the rap concert Jason and I went to Wednesday night? You bet your sweet patootie, you do.
Way back in December while frantically searching for the perfect Christmas gift I bought Jason tickets to see the black guy from Community in concert (it’s not racist to identify him as such if he’s literally the only black guy on the show, right? I mean I could have said I bought him tickets to see Troy on Community in concert, but even if you’d seen the show like 5 times you’d say, ‘Which one is he? The arrogant main guy, the guy with Asperger’s, Chevy Chase as a sad, old man, or the black guy?’ He’s hilarious on the show, but a little side-kickish).
And because Jason likes it when I get all stressed out and yell at him for leaving things until the last minute he informed me three days before the concert he wanted me to attend with him. I know it sounds like a nice thing that he wanted me to come, but since it involved finding a last minute sitter on a school night plus being out in public after 8pm listening to rap music, it was obviously his passive-aggressive way of punishing me for regularly dirtying every pan in the house when I cook dinner.
Once I secured a sitter for the night, my biggest dilemma was what to wear. As the last hiphop/rap concert I attended was the Boys 2 Men show my BFF dragged me to when I was 14 and she was dating the token white guy in an R&B church group, I was at a loss for appropriate attire. I polled my friends and got the following suggestions:
Lots of eyeliner
A hoodie over an Ed Hardy shirt
Overalls, because Eminem wears them
Prominently displayed boobs
It seemed like a low-cut Ed Hardy shirt under overalls with a hoodie and a smoky eye was a lot of look for me to pull off, so I headed to Forever21 to find something appropriate. If you haven’t been to Forever21, it’s sort of like the Disneyland of cheap, trashy clothing. But instead of Frontierland and Tomorrowland, it’s zoned into areas like ‘Ironic Native American Clothing’, ‘Ironic 1980s Madonna-esque Outfits’ and ‘Things We Imagine People Wear in England’. Disappointingly, there was no obvious section for ‘30-Somethings Going to a Rap Concert in Scottsdale’. I tried on 80 different things and finally settled on a flowy shirt that seemed urban-ish and jeans with obvious stitching and rhinestones on the buttons. That’s what the kids are wearing now, right?
And because I’m ridiculous and over-think 99.4% of the things in my life, I tried on my Rap Concert Costume and took pictures to send to my girlfriends:
I know it looks like something I might also wear to parent/teacher conferences, but I’m wearing way more dark eye shadow than I normally do. Do you think I should top it with a sideways baseball cap?
The other thing I did to prepare for this concert was download the most recent album of Childish Gambio, AKA: Troy from Community, AKA: Donald Glover (whose real name is the most confusing to me because it sounds like Danny Glover, that actor who’s been in like a billion things who I used to get mixed up with another black actor and for awhile Jason would make fun of me every time any black actor came on scene in a movie by saying, “Look, it’s Danny Glover!” But seriously, I also have trouble telling Amy Adams and Isla Fischer apart. I think I might have that disease where you can’t recognize faces. That guy named Tarzan on Survivor has it this season. Not to be confused with the guy on Survivor this season whose name is Troyzan. Whew. That tangent even exhausted me).
I listened to the album during my run the day before the show. It wasn’t really my style, but I found it moderately entertaining. I can’t say I totally relate to being a black guy who gets made fun of for talking white and has no street cred, but he did reference the tragedy of the premature cancellation of Freaks and Geeks, so we could probably be friends. That is, as long as he doesn’t bring up his obsessions with Asian chicks and blowjows as often in real life as he does in his music.
Basically, I went into that show as prepared as a mother of three who doesn’t go to concerts or even bars and whose cultural background can only be accurately described as sub-urban could be. By the end of the night, this is what I learned:
1. If a show ‘starts’ at 7pm this really means the opening act will go on from 8-9:30 and the act you’re there to see will actually begin about 9:45pm.
2. Adorable sandal heels are completely inappropriate for such an event. They will give you blisters on the pads of your feet until you finally just take them off and stand in a dirty parking lot barefoot because it’s the more appealing option.
3. I could have worn my ballet outfit with a dead chicken as a hat and I would not have been the weirdest dressed person there by far. Apparently the people who attend comedic rap shows in Scottsdale are less like the people you see on rap videos and more early-20s hipster. There was a couple dressed to go to an ironic hoedown, I shit-you-not. We also saw many a high-waisted short-short. That’s one trend I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.
4. Even if a show is sold-out for months ahead of time, apparently the people at The Venue are not prepared to actually let that many people through the doors in a timely fashion. We waited in line for 55 minutes before we finally made it in.
5. You cannot sneak tiny bottles of wine in to concerts like you can into movies. They search you and your purse and even if you confess, red-faced, before they find your mini Sutter Home Chardonnays, the girl searching you will not be particularly amused.
6. You cannot take tiny bottles of contact solution into concerts in your purse, either. Although, the girl may just have been punishing me extra for trying to sneak in my old lady beverages.
7. The crowd at a Childish Gambino show is surprisingly friendly and courteous. I had a guy offer to switch places with me so I could see better and another apologize for accidentally cutting in front of me to order a drink. It’s possible I reminded them of their mothers so they felt obliged to be overly polite.
8. Donald Glover’s music is actually super clever and kind of addictive. I could really get into the one word titles and lots of the sentiments are heartfelt and tell an interesting story. He’s kind of a brilliant guy, I think.
So, OK, I’m glad my husband, the procrastinator, couldn’t think of a friend he wanted to bring to this concert more than me. It was an experience I won’t forget. Feel free to invite me another concert, People, I will totally know what to wear this time.