Jonas fell asleep on the couch last night right before I was going to take him up to his room and tuck him into bed. So because I’m currently running low on cuddles as a result of having boy children who would rather high five than kiss me good night, and a husband who sweats when I even mention sitting next to me, I let poor Jo sleep on the couch for two hours so I could just stare at his sweet face and snuggle next to him.
(And then I took pictures so the next time he does something evil I have proof he has an angelic side:
Sadly, the whole thing backfired and instead of getting me all stocked up on cuddles and loves it propelled me into an internal debate I’ve had time and time again about the Pros and Cons of having a fourth child.
When I’m sober, in the light of day, and not staring at a sleeping angelic child or have just finished watching some TV show where anyone had or tried to have a baby, the debate goes like this:
Big families are fun
Having each of the other 3 has been super enjoyable and totally worth the hassle
If I have another one now it will have cousins (and pseudo-cousins) close in age
There’s always a 50/50 chance it could finally be a girl
The house is technically big enough for one more child
I’m still young enough to do this (at least for the time being)
Who on God’s green Earth is going to pay for this child to go to college?
Being pregnant blows chunks
Another 3 years of diapers
Another 3 years of chasing around a tiny human at every family gathering/vacation/social event
We are just finally getting to the point as a family where we can do fun adventure type stuff together without having to worry about scheduling around naps and explaining to siblings who are too little to go they will be left behind, a new baby would start that clock over.
We got insanely lucky to have three healthy, brilliant, handsome sons. Should we really push our luck?
As it is now I have so much going on between work and driving kids to school and helping with homework and transporting to athletic activities I can barely keep up. With a new baby I’d have to totally abandon the older ones for awhile. It wouldn’t be fair to them.
And that’s where the debate ends. I can’t ever get past the first Con and the last two. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense. Unfortunately, here’s how the debate goes after 2 glasses of wine and with a sweet sleeping child on my couch:
Babies are awesome and hilarious
Number 4 would totally be a girl
Girls wear super cute tutus and stuff
If I have a girl she can totally take dance classes!!!!
If I have a girl she can totally be best friends with her girl cousin that my sister will have at the very same time even though she’s not pregnant yet. And she can totally marry my best friend, Rebecca’s, son, who she’s not actually pregnant with yet either, but will be.
If I never have a girl I will never get to take her prom dress shopping or help her plan her wedding. I’ll never get to show up at her house when she’s a grown up with a new outfit I bought for her just because I love her and I like to shop.
If I never have another baby this is probably the last time I’ll get to snuggle with one of my sleeping children. Ever. In life.
HOW CAN I LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I WILL NEVER GET TO SNUGGLE MY SLEEPING BABIES EVER AGAIN?
I’m having another baby.
And that’s how that one ends. Cons doesn’t even get a chance to speak. Pros is a weeping, inconsolable mess who absolutely refuses to listen to reason and Cons has started backing down like a total pansy. Justifications like, ‘it’s never the perfect time to have a baby, you just gotta jump in and make it work’ and ‘well if it happened accidentally, we’d totally end up just fine…’ start to get thrown around. It’s not pretty.
But then I wake up the next morning and realize I totally can’t trapeze, go to ballet class or really even attempt NaNoWriMo if I have another baby. And hey, I still probably have another 10 years of fertility left, right? I might win the lottery between now and then and we can hire help and pay for college educations with no problems. And the whole thing is tabled once again.
It’s an exhausting cycle. Though probably still less exhausting than 3 AM feedings. <- Thank you, Cons!