If you could measure and judge a year in glasses of wine consumed, embarrassments and humiliations weathered, inappropriate jokes, impetuous decisions, and ill-advised choices, 2012 would surely be a winner for me (thank god no one’s keeping a tally of those).
But 2012 would also come out on top for me if you measured miles run, ballet and trapeze classes taken, fun and weird activities participated in and probably even friends made.
So let’s just call it a draw and I’ll try to be a better person in 2013. Or maybe not, because what fun is that?
I’m feeling some internal pressure to write something that has some meaning for this last blog post of the year, but who are we kidding? I have nothing meaningful to say. Instead, I’m going to tell you a completely inappropriate story because who knows, I might turn over a new leaf and be super proper and decent in 2013 and this could be my last chance. But I’m warning you now if you have any good conscience or appreciation of good taste you’ll just stop reading now.
Last night at a Thai restaurant near our house we’d never been to before-
Jason (after taking a sip of his water the waitress just brought us): Um… this water… (whispering) tastes like semen.
Me: What? Are you being hyperbolic? Because that is a really specific and disgusting simile if you just mean it’s gross…
Jason: No, like literally it tastes like semen. I mean, I guess I wouldn’t know for sure, since I’ve never tasted it, but this water tastes like it smells. You know those trees with the really specifically inappropriate smell certain times of year? Eucalyptus, I think? This water tastes like those smell.
Me: For reals? That is disturbing.
Jason: Try it and tell me if you disagree.
Me (taking a tiny sip): Oh my god you are exactly right. That is absolutely what that water tastes like. What the hell.
Jason: I feel like I should have just waited until you tried it to see if you thought the same thing.
Me: No I totally would have. It’s like really obvious. Oh gross. We could still leave. We haven’t gotten our food yet.
Jason: Nah, she’s bringing me iced tea and you wine. We just won’t drink the water.
Me: If you say so. Mine is coming out of a bottle I can see her pouring from here.
Me: We should review this place on Yelp and warn everyone about the water.
Jason: You have to have like a whole Yelp account to do that.
Me: Can’t you just sign up for one?
Jason: I’m not going to have the very first review I ever make on Yelp to be about how the water at a Thai restaurant tastes like semen. Plus the food was really good. So what am I going to say, ‘Stay away from the spunky water but the Pad Pik King with beef was really good’?
Jason: Do not put this on your blog.
Me: How can I not?
And on that note, I bid 2012 adieu.
(Don’t worry, I probably won’t resolve to be less inappropriate.)