I spoke to the Universal Aging Commission (UAC) and they’ve reviewed your file. Taking into consideration a number of factors including, but not limited to:
1. Your willingness to dress up like a Carebear and paint your head to match a tennis ball
2. You not only know what a blog is (and don’t refer to it as a ‘weblog’) but are regular writer of one
3. Rather than being embarrassed OF you, your children and their friends are usually embarrassed BY you because they have failed to match your stamina in either drinking or athletics
UAC has decided to grant you the rare but coveted Right to Age Backwards.
60 used to be the benchmark age where people could sit back and rest without humiliation. Once they’ve hit a certain age, men feel comfortable pulling their pants up high and falling asleep in their favorite chair as a means of evicting company after dinner. Once they’ve put in their time, women feel they’ve earned the right to scowl at teenage girls in short shorts and not understand ‘the facebook’.
UAC has determined you’re making these normal folks feel bad about themselves. They’ve decided 60 is really the highest you need to age and that if you continue the pace you’ve set unchecked, the senior set is going to lynch you into submission. So rather than seeing a tragedy like that occur, they’re going to allow you to get younger everyday from here on out, with just a few provisions:
1. You have to stop wearing Mom’s bedazzled reading glasses when you can’t find your own.
2. Going to bed at 8pm is only appropriate if you’re recovering from something. If it’s just a normal day, at least try to make it to 9pm.
3. You should probably get a smart phone. You’re kind of dropping behind the technology curve on that one and you can’t even participate in family Google Messenger (except when Mom messages for you. But then that gets confusing because occasionally she has too much white zin after dinner and starts messaging aggressive things about sporting events on TV and we can’t tell if it’s you messaging through her or just Mom all hopped up on cheap wine).
So congratulations, Dad. Soon, if you play your cards right, in no time you’ll be back to this:
Happy 60th to the man who’s probably going be younger than me someday.